Make a left, right?

After a particularly bad trip to my doctor last year, I wrote a complaint letter that ended with the sentence, "And if I could ask for my blood back, I would."

I'm sure there are many talented doctors in this world, but unfortunately I haven't met any yet.

For that reason, The Weil Institute of Critical Care's recent medical research press release, "Who Decides How to Save Your Life?" gives me hope that just because I may have had a bad experience with my doctor, there's actually an entire group of people directly responsible for my healthcare. But if their research is anything like their writing, I may just want to pass.

“Most research makes the average person's head ache with scientific terms and medical language we don't understand and certainly won't read. We simply want the life saving benefit of all their efforts," reads the release. “There's nothing wrong with that, after all, that's what the scientists and engineers are getting paid for, right?”

Um, right?

“Wrong! The world's leader in critical care medicine research since 1955 is a non-profit education and research organization that relies on the charity of, guess who?”

Um, I don’t know – who?

“The public. Surprised?”

Yes?

“The Weil Institute has touched us all in one way, shape, manner or form in our lifetime. If you know someone saved by CPR, they wrote the Guidelines; if a future victim has an improved quality of life after suffering sudden cardiac arrest, you can bet the Weil Institute of Critical Care Medicine could ultimately take the credit. They won't.”

If you’re confused now, just wait until you read the full release. I went through it at least five times and I still don’t understand what they’re announcing - though I think it has something to do with either Who or How to Save Your Life.

Either way, I really just want my blood back.

<3 U!

Last week, I got a very official-looking letter from the Federal Investigative Services Division of some government agency.

Feeling a cold sweat coming on, I ripped the envelope open without taking another step.

The letter read, “Your name has been provided by the person identified below to assist in completing a background investigation to help us determine this person’s suitability for employment or security clearance.”

Oh - Phew.

On the back of the letter was a SAT-style multiple choice questionnaire, which needed to be filled out with a No. 2 pencil.

The first question was, “My association with this person is/was as a:”

A) Co-worker
B) Neighbor
C) Friend
D) Spouse
E) Former spouse
F) Other (Please explain in Line 8)

“Say ‘Other’!” my friend pleaded. “Fill in other and write ‘Lover!’”

“I’m not doing that,” I told him.

"Please?"

"No, I'm not writing that!" I said.

“Why not?!” he demanded. “Come on. Put ‘Lover!’ Please!”

In the end, I chose C) Friend. I’m sorry if that makes me a kill-joy.

To compensate, I may follow Forgivenet.com’s relationship advice as stated in their press release, “Valentine's Day - Ask for Forgiveness From Your Lover.”

“Saint Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to express emotions and even to ask for forgiveness from the lovers whom we have hurt in the past, to unburden our hearts, to apologize and even to make a personal romantic confession,” according to the release.

Forgivenet.com encourages its visitors to “Post a Confession and Secret - to tell what you had never told before.”

Out of curiosity, I read a random confession posted on the site.

“i hate you..
1/29/2008 i sometimes think about our 3 year perfect friendship and wonder still why u turned your back on me all of a sudden for no reason,but then i start thinking about when u turned on me,everything that u said to everyone that i ever conided and trusted u with...and i just get the thoguth of slitting your throat and watching u bleed in a bloody mess...and laughing hysterically while u gurgle up blood...i hate u now more than ever.."

I really hope that these posts are not the same messages that Forgivenet.com referenced in their release and promised to “print out copies of… and place them among the holy stones in the Holy Land.”

I mean, the last thing I want on a holy stone in Israel is a message that says “i h8 u 4--->… lover.”

Dating advice that works 50% of the time.

A bar patron in Philadelphia once told me, “I know the best pick up line.”

I had to hear him out – if not for my own entertainment, then for that of my friends.

“OK. Let’s hear it,” I said.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.

“That’s it?!” I asked. “I have a drink!”

And with that, he swatted the glass right out of my hand and let it smash on the floor.

“Bet you want that drink now!” he taunted.

I have to admit, I never heard that one before and the delivery was spot on. It obviously didn’t work, but as far as pick up lines go, at least it was memorable.

To be honest though, I didn’t even think that people still used pick up lines. But that’s obviously not the case because a new “national Dating and Mating Survey” launched by the Little Penguin - who is “challenging Americans to do as Australia's Little Penguins do ... and find your mate in 2008” – reported that half of the women polled “still fall for pick up lines.”

In light of the statistic, the Little Penguin encouraged readers to “…keep at it -- pick-up lines can be the perfect ice breaker when you want to grab the attention of a would-be date.”

True. Nothing grabs my attention like a quick rum and coke to the feet.

But I feel it’s necessary to point out that the statistic they provided implies that while pickup lines may work for half the women polled, they obviously don’t work for the other half.

50/50

That’s not great odds.

Perhaps recognizing this inadequacy, “…the Little Penguin has teamed up with Dating Diva and Booty Food author, Jacqui Malouf, to help urban penguins get more booty -- Valentine's Day and every day,” reads the release. “…confused daters can read the hilarious Do's and Don'ts of Dating and find Date Night ideas including delicious food and wine parings guaranteed to heat things up in the kitchen and elsewhere.”

I’d like to share my own “hilarious Don’t:”

Don’t break someone’s glassware. It will likely lead to problems at the bar “and elsewhere.”

At least half the time.

What do running, online dating and my father have in common?

My father has this habit of answering rhetorical questions.

For instance, when my brother asked me to enter a six-mile race with him last spring, I said, “Maybe. The four-mile one wasn’t too bad. When I run, I just have to find my pace. I mean, six miles… four miles – what’s the difference?”

And my father answered, “Oh – two miles!” and shrugged.

But it seems a lot of people make that mistake. Like the folks at Incredimail who kicked off their latest press release with the following question:

“What do pocket protectors, protractors and slide rulers have to do with online romance?”

They answered, “These days, nothing!”

I hope whoever wrote that shrugged before continuing: “It used to be that only those thought of as geeks and nerds -- losers, if you will -- went online to find love. Now, it's better, faster, more economical and well, just easier to go online and find that potential mate.”

I agree with their approach. If I were promoting IncrediWorld, a new medium that encourages people to “look-up, meet-up and hook-up online,” I would definitely remind them that “losers” are likely users.

Oh, but who am I to say that, you know? Who am I?

No one!

Guac-a-what did you say?!

At our family’s Christmas get-together last year, my aunt brought homemade guacamole.

My grandmother saw it on the table and asked me, “What’s that?!”

“It’s guacamole,” I told her.

“What’s it called?!” she asked again.

“Guacamole.”

“What?!”

“It’s dip,” I finally told her.

It’s too bad that the guy who once spent twenty minutes of my lunch hour explaining his guacamole recipe in detail wasn’t around to list the ingredients for her: “Avocados. Tomatoes. Onions. Cilantro - that’s the secret ingredient. Salt,” he had told me months earlier.

“Do you mix yours by hand?” I asked.

“God, no,” he said, quite seriously. “I use a spoon.”

Armed with that information, I may be able to make my very own guacamole and thus accommodate Dr. Wendy Bazilian’s request for Superbowl party-goers to make “savvy nutritional choices.”

“Gourmet and exciting can also be healthy and nutritious! Add pizzazz with colorful SuperFoods vegetables, innovative low-fat dips and scrumptious finger foods,” reads the release. “You can spruce-up your guacamole and be hip with mini pizzas and tasty baked tortillas chips alongside hit-of-the-party salsa.”

Aside from the fact that a lot of that seemed illogical - I must ask, exactly how can a low-fat dip be innovative?

It seems to be a bit of a stretch.

Unless – of course – maybe it was mixed with some sort of technologically enhanced spoon.

Valentine Gift Ideas for under $90

I got the best Christmas gift from a misguided, but good-intentioned, co-worker this year. It was given to me covertly in the office break room minutes before our holiday party started.

“I wanted to give it to you here because I didn’t get anything for the rest of the team,” he told me as he handed me a rumpled plastic bag.

Guess what it was.

I’ll tell you what I was expecting – maybe a keepsake ornament or yet another Magic Scarf.

But go ahead and guess.

Did you guess thirty plastic take out containers from the Chinese restaurant on 3rd Avenue? Because that’s what it was.

He said, “When I picked up my beef and broccoli in one of these, I knew you would like them. I remember that I tried throwing yours out at lunch one time and you yelled at me.”

That’s true. I practically lunged across the park and ripped the container right out of his hands.

Then I stole a line from my father and said, “That’s still good!”

My father usually uses that to defend keeping things that are clearly broken – like a piece of rope from our severed clothesline.

“What the heck are you going to do with that?” I asked as the he picked up the rope from our backyard.

“This is a good rope!” he told me.

And then he fashioned it into a belt. Which he wore for three consecutive days.

When I swatted that Tupperware out of my co-worker's hand last summer, I know my father would have been proud.

And you know, as comical as it was to receive take-out containers for Christmas, as far as gifts go, they were certainly useful and dare I say, better than one of these.

Apparently The Vermont Teddy Bear Company, PajamaGram and Calyx Flowers are pushing the Cinderella-themed teddy bear as “just the gift to surprise a princess” for Valentine’s Day. It costs just $89.95.

Just imagine how many take out containers I could buy for $90.

And then think about how many pairs of shoes my father could make out of them!

The Dating Doubter: A Play in One Act.

Location:
Wilkes Barre, Pa.

The Year:
2005

The couple stands in a small apartment. My Date crosses the room and stands in front of a table with a computer. A miniature schnauzer romps playfully on the floor.

My Date: My roommate hooked up the Internet and it’s really fast.

Me: Oh really? What do you have?

My Date: Just the Internet.

Me: No, I mean is it DSL or is it cable?

My Date: I don't know, but it's really fast. Both computers use the same one too!

Me: You mean they use the same connection?

My Date: No, the same Internet. Both computers plug into a little box and you can use both computers at the same time.

Me: Oh! You mean a router!

My Date: No… this is just a box. (Holds the box.)

Me: That’s a router!

My Date: (Shrugs) Well whatever, it’s really fast.

Try as I may to convince my date that the “little box” had a name, he didn’t believe me. Perhaps I should have used Renee Mazer’s new approach to vocabulary building: WORDGASM, “a risque vocabulary builder.”

“The set of CDs or audio tapes contains 'remember me' clues for over 500 of the most tested vocabulary words. If it makes you laugh, it'll get stuck in your head. For instance, "My boyfriend's kissing was lackluster, so I said 'See you later buster,'"” according to ReneeMazer.com.

That approach may have worked for my date and his little box. Something like:

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me,
I said, "It’s called a router,"
Do you need me to repeat it,
Or just say it louder?”