Until Wednesday - A Different PR

If you’re trying to slip into work 10 minutes late, let me tell you what not to do: roll in with an electric blue suitcase.

“Where are you going?!” five people asked me on my way to my desk.

Puerto Rico. My boyfriend and I planned a trip despite the fact that he doesn’t really like the beach and can’t handle the sun. But I left the booking entirely up to him and we were confirmed before Thanksgiving, so I think it’s safe to say he actually wanted to go.

Please note that his actions are in direct contrast to the results of the new “Where’s the Romance?” poll that claims 70% of men wait until “the last minute” to make Valentine’s Day plans. For the record, the poll was commissioned by the one place that will no-doubt be able to accommodate last-minute bookings: Caesars Pocono Resorts.

“Seventy percent of men are waiting until the last minute to make Valentine's Day plans -- they cite lack of time, lack of priority and lack of ideas,” according to the release.

I was originally very smug about my boyfriend’s advance planning. He is obviously chock full of time, priorities and ideas.

And then it occurred to me that despite having booked a trip for Feb. 15, my boyfriend may not have necessarily connected the dates.

“Quick question for you,” I said the other night. “When we planned Puerto Rico, did you know the trip would be around Valentine’s Day?”

“Nope,” He said. “Honestly – I thought we picked the dates because of Presidents Day.”

You can’t really argue with logic like that. Monday is in fact Presidents Day and what better way to celebrate American history than with a trip to the Caribbean?

With that said – please enjoy a weekend full of love, democracy and automobile sales. I’ll be back on Wednesday – probably with a hangover and hopefully with a tan.

xo

Do as Paris Hilton does and "Luv Thyself"

For Valentine ’s Day two years ago, I celebrated an ultimate girls night and went out for Indian food. My friends and I were in good company as 90% of the restaurant was filled with table after table of young women. Apparently nothing screams "single" quite like the New Delhi All U Can Eat Buffet.

“The intern got two dozen roses sent to her today,” I told my friends over dinner. “And then, my boss asked me where my bouquet was. I told him, ‘At this point, I’d settle for someone sending me an e-mail.’”

After successfully eating my way into a stomach ache that night, I decided that I would buy myself flowers the following year. Of course, I never followed through on that in 2007 because flowers are expensive and I’d rather treat myself to a mocha. Plus, not to state the obvious or anything, but buying yourself flowers to avenge a former boss is, quite frankly, kind of pathetic.

Unfortunately, not everyone came to that conclusion as celebrity divorce attorney and author, Stacy D. Phillips, recently released a list of “many wonderful things you can do for yourself to feel loved and special during this once yearly 'hallmark' occasion."

My favorite?

“Hit the tattoo parlor: Large or small, get one that says "I love you." It's a lifetime reminder of what you mean to you.”

I like tattoos as much as the next guy, but I really don’t need a lifetime reminder of what I mean to me – whatever that even means. "Large or small," it all sounds like a pretty big mistake.

I think I’ll just revisit the buffet. And maybe get a mocha for dessert.

<3 U!

Last week, I got a very official-looking letter from the Federal Investigative Services Division of some government agency.

Feeling a cold sweat coming on, I ripped the envelope open without taking another step.

The letter read, “Your name has been provided by the person identified below to assist in completing a background investigation to help us determine this person’s suitability for employment or security clearance.”

Oh - Phew.

On the back of the letter was a SAT-style multiple choice questionnaire, which needed to be filled out with a No. 2 pencil.

The first question was, “My association with this person is/was as a:”

A) Co-worker
B) Neighbor
C) Friend
D) Spouse
E) Former spouse
F) Other (Please explain in Line 8)

“Say ‘Other’!” my friend pleaded. “Fill in other and write ‘Lover!’”

“I’m not doing that,” I told him.

"Please?"

"No, I'm not writing that!" I said.

“Why not?!” he demanded. “Come on. Put ‘Lover!’ Please!”

In the end, I chose C) Friend. I’m sorry if that makes me a kill-joy.

To compensate, I may follow Forgivenet.com’s relationship advice as stated in their press release, “Valentine's Day - Ask for Forgiveness From Your Lover.”

“Saint Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to express emotions and even to ask for forgiveness from the lovers whom we have hurt in the past, to unburden our hearts, to apologize and even to make a personal romantic confession,” according to the release.

Forgivenet.com encourages its visitors to “Post a Confession and Secret - to tell what you had never told before.”

Out of curiosity, I read a random confession posted on the site.

“i hate you..
1/29/2008 i sometimes think about our 3 year perfect friendship and wonder still why u turned your back on me all of a sudden for no reason,but then i start thinking about when u turned on me,everything that u said to everyone that i ever conided and trusted u with...and i just get the thoguth of slitting your throat and watching u bleed in a bloody mess...and laughing hysterically while u gurgle up blood...i hate u now more than ever.."

I really hope that these posts are not the same messages that Forgivenet.com referenced in their release and promised to “print out copies of… and place them among the holy stones in the Holy Land.”

I mean, the last thing I want on a holy stone in Israel is a message that says “i h8 u 4--->… lover.”

Valentine Gift Ideas for under $90

I got the best Christmas gift from a misguided, but good-intentioned, co-worker this year. It was given to me covertly in the office break room minutes before our holiday party started.

“I wanted to give it to you here because I didn’t get anything for the rest of the team,” he told me as he handed me a rumpled plastic bag.

Guess what it was.

I’ll tell you what I was expecting – maybe a keepsake ornament or yet another Magic Scarf.

But go ahead and guess.

Did you guess thirty plastic take out containers from the Chinese restaurant on 3rd Avenue? Because that’s what it was.

He said, “When I picked up my beef and broccoli in one of these, I knew you would like them. I remember that I tried throwing yours out at lunch one time and you yelled at me.”

That’s true. I practically lunged across the park and ripped the container right out of his hands.

Then I stole a line from my father and said, “That’s still good!”

My father usually uses that to defend keeping things that are clearly broken – like a piece of rope from our severed clothesline.

“What the heck are you going to do with that?” I asked as the he picked up the rope from our backyard.

“This is a good rope!” he told me.

And then he fashioned it into a belt. Which he wore for three consecutive days.

When I swatted that Tupperware out of my co-worker's hand last summer, I know my father would have been proud.

And you know, as comical as it was to receive take-out containers for Christmas, as far as gifts go, they were certainly useful and dare I say, better than one of these.

Apparently The Vermont Teddy Bear Company, PajamaGram and Calyx Flowers are pushing the Cinderella-themed teddy bear as “just the gift to surprise a princess” for Valentine’s Day. It costs just $89.95.

Just imagine how many take out containers I could buy for $90.

And then think about how many pairs of shoes my father could make out of them!

Take action...

On Valentine’s Day last year, I told my friends that I was going to borrow my neighbor’s dog, slip on an icy sidewalk and inspire the latest rom-com blockbuster when a handsome, yet mysterious, stranger helped me up.

But I put that idea on hold when someone I had been dating for a few weeks called and asked if I was interested in a low-key night. It was a Tuesday and I don’t think he had any idea it was Feb. 14.

Nearly an hour into the night - after turning down my repeated drink offerings - he told me, “I don’t drink. I’m a recovering alcoholic.”

I was in a little bit of a dating dry spell at the time and I said to myself, “Well hey - a recovering alcoholic is better than a straight-up alcoholic.”

Besides, I was in no position to judge because I had just finished telling a story about how I took a hip hop class at my gym and danced right into a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in the work out room.

“The whole dance was terrible,” I told him. “By the end of the class the teacher was practically holding my hand and shouting ‘5-6-7-8!’ in my face. I was like, ‘Hey Hadas, I might be a slow learner, but I’m not deaf!”

As it turns out, he knew Hadas and I had to backtrack about how “energetic” she was.

Anyway, an hour later, after sharing horror stories of apartments past, he said, “This place I’m in now isn’t great, but at least it’s better than where I came from.”

“Oh? Where did you come from?” I asked.

“A halfway house,” he said flatly.

I was expecting him to say “New Jersey.”

From there, he launched into a big story about how he was a cocaine addict and to quit using he tried to move to different cities so that he wouldn’t know where to buy. While in Chicago, he got arrested by an undercover cop and spent the night in jail. When he got out, it was the middle of the night and it was freezing, so he checked himself into a mental hospital. And now, here he is – sitting in my living room enjoying a cup of tea and a toasted, buttered scone.

Stories like this are precisely the reason why I take issue with BadOnlineDates.com’s “Bold 8 Dating Makeover” tip #2 – “Now take action ... Move out of your comfort zone and try something new ... hobbies, a different market or going to a local bar ALONE and striking up a conversation with someone new ... Feel nervous? Great. Do that what you fear and your fear will die.”

First of all, I had this exact idea last January and look where it got me – perched on the edge of the couch ready to sprint out of my own apartment – on Valentine’s Day no less.

Second, the writers at BadDatesOnline could stand to familiarize themselves with the mighty period (“.”). Just one does the job better than three strung together. For example:

• I attract winners.
  vs.
• I attract winners…

See the difference? Do you???

Finally, advice like this should come with a disclaimer. Something like, “*Not responsible for sexually transmitted diseases; Tips not intended for use in conjunction with MySpace.com.”

Regardless, I’m not going to fall for this “take action” trap two years in a row. This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to stick to walking dogs in snowstorms. Strangers who will help you up can’t be nearly as bad.