<3 U!

Last week, I got a very official-looking letter from the Federal Investigative Services Division of some government agency.

Feeling a cold sweat coming on, I ripped the envelope open without taking another step.

The letter read, “Your name has been provided by the person identified below to assist in completing a background investigation to help us determine this person’s suitability for employment or security clearance.”

Oh - Phew.

On the back of the letter was a SAT-style multiple choice questionnaire, which needed to be filled out with a No. 2 pencil.

The first question was, “My association with this person is/was as a:”

A) Co-worker
B) Neighbor
C) Friend
D) Spouse
E) Former spouse
F) Other (Please explain in Line 8)

“Say ‘Other’!” my friend pleaded. “Fill in other and write ‘Lover!’”

“I’m not doing that,” I told him.

"Please?"

"No, I'm not writing that!" I said.

“Why not?!” he demanded. “Come on. Put ‘Lover!’ Please!”

In the end, I chose C) Friend. I’m sorry if that makes me a kill-joy.

To compensate, I may follow Forgivenet.com’s relationship advice as stated in their press release, “Valentine's Day - Ask for Forgiveness From Your Lover.”

“Saint Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to express emotions and even to ask for forgiveness from the lovers whom we have hurt in the past, to unburden our hearts, to apologize and even to make a personal romantic confession,” according to the release.

Forgivenet.com encourages its visitors to “Post a Confession and Secret - to tell what you had never told before.”

Out of curiosity, I read a random confession posted on the site.

“i hate you..
1/29/2008 i sometimes think about our 3 year perfect friendship and wonder still why u turned your back on me all of a sudden for no reason,but then i start thinking about when u turned on me,everything that u said to everyone that i ever conided and trusted u with...and i just get the thoguth of slitting your throat and watching u bleed in a bloody mess...and laughing hysterically while u gurgle up blood...i hate u now more than ever.."

I really hope that these posts are not the same messages that Forgivenet.com referenced in their release and promised to “print out copies of… and place them among the holy stones in the Holy Land.”

I mean, the last thing I want on a holy stone in Israel is a message that says “i h8 u 4--->… lover.”

The Dating Doubter: A Play in One Act.

Location:
Wilkes Barre, Pa.

The Year:
2005

The couple stands in a small apartment. My Date crosses the room and stands in front of a table with a computer. A miniature schnauzer romps playfully on the floor.

My Date: My roommate hooked up the Internet and it’s really fast.

Me: Oh really? What do you have?

My Date: Just the Internet.

Me: No, I mean is it DSL or is it cable?

My Date: I don't know, but it's really fast. Both computers use the same one too!

Me: You mean they use the same connection?

My Date: No, the same Internet. Both computers plug into a little box and you can use both computers at the same time.

Me: Oh! You mean a router!

My Date: No… this is just a box. (Holds the box.)

Me: That’s a router!

My Date: (Shrugs) Well whatever, it’s really fast.

Try as I may to convince my date that the “little box” had a name, he didn’t believe me. Perhaps I should have used Renee Mazer’s new approach to vocabulary building: WORDGASM, “a risque vocabulary builder.”

“The set of CDs or audio tapes contains 'remember me' clues for over 500 of the most tested vocabulary words. If it makes you laugh, it'll get stuck in your head. For instance, "My boyfriend's kissing was lackluster, so I said 'See you later buster,'"” according to ReneeMazer.com.

That approach may have worked for my date and his little box. Something like:

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me,
I said, "It’s called a router,"
Do you need me to repeat it,
Or just say it louder?”

My ideal man is a millionaire (patriot).

Social networking sites really bring out the best.

For instance, I once received a query from a young man in New Jersey. His request was very specific:

“Who I'd like to meet: My ideal female is around 20-27 98 lbs to 125 lbs, blonde/brunette either one, curly hair, which she can straight up every time she feel like it, blue/green/hazel eyes, her body has to be slim and firm, fair skin. I don’t like female with more that C-cup. I enjoy been around females that take care of themselves, ex... nice French manicure & pedicure, facials a new haircut. U knows always looking fresh. My ideal date is picking you up at 7 am, run one mile, walk down the water line at the shore (Bahamas) or local beach will do then swim, breakfast at 9:30, take the sun for one hour, then go to the arcade (11:30) then lunch from 12-1. Go shopping for two hours (1:30-4:00), ice cream at 4:30 go to the movies, dinner at 8:00 play pool from 9:30-10. To help us heat up we will jump to the whip roll right to the hottest club in town, where we will get down to droung. After getting all wasted we will go to the penthouse, playing slow jams following with a prefect chill bottle of crystal and next to the fire place we will make what our wildest warm bodies (passions) are will to perform”

It goes without saying that I was appalled that the site let him post that.

But at least they put their foot down with the Millionaire Patriot.

Yes, Facebook refused the Millionaire Patriot’s pay-per-click ad campaign, which offered a handgun training course, concealed weapon permit course and a free handgun to the first 5,000 citizens who responded. In an apparent attempt to turn a negative into an even bigger negative, the Millionaire Patriot issued a press release over the rejection.

“It appears to me that Facebook is discriminating against gun owners and placing gun ownership in the same category as pornography… A gun does not cause crime anymore than a camera causes pornography and I do not see Facebook rejecting ads for cameras!” said the Millionaire Patriot.

Certainly Mr. Patriot cannot support giving a free handgun to just anyone - especially not the above gentleman who I fear may take it with him when he “jump to the whip roll right to the hottest club in town” (11-12).

Honestly.

I wouldn’t even trust that kid with a keyboard.

Read the original Millionaire Patriot post.