Poetry I can get down with.

Here’s something to think about:

(A three bedroom apartment + Three college boys + Me) x 365 = Year-long Disaster

When the boys finally moved out of the apartment on September 1, they rented a U-Haul from noon to 4, but they weren’t able to pick up the keys for their new house until 5:30. That pretty much sums up what it was like to live with them for a year.

While they were packing, one guy kept announcing when he was taking things – “I’m taking the couch! It’s mine,” and “I’m taking the dishes! They’re mine.”

I think he expected me to argue with him.

“Where are you going to sit?” he asked me. “And how are you going to watch TV? You don’t even have a TV! You won’t have the internet! What are you going to do about the internet?!”

All this was happening as he was unplugging the router in my room and rolling up the cords. So I reminded him that he wasn’t actually taking the internet with him when he moved – that he was really just taking the router.

After that there was a big to-do about whose spaghetti sauce was whose and who should take the trash bags and who bought the coffee filters. Eventually, I got completely annoyed and started throwing everything from the pantry shelf into one big trash bag (whose owner was in question) and telling him to take the tea bags and the salt shaker and go start a new life in a new apartment.

As it turns out, Emerson Hart could have saved me the trouble.

“With Valentine's right around the corner, iwishthebestforyou.com offers an original and unique way to remember those you might rather forget. Users can pick a quote directly from the song "I Wish the Best for You" or make up their own. Quotes available include… the tongue-in-cheek "I'm keeping the TV and dog ... I wish the best for you."

Let’s face it, everyone’s got three bad roommates they need to anonymously send a singing e-card to.

Just hope that in turn, you don’t get the “You’ve got some serious issues… I wish the best for you,” version.

The Dating Doubter: A Play in One Act.

Location:
Wilkes Barre, Pa.

The Year:
2005

The couple stands in a small apartment. My Date crosses the room and stands in front of a table with a computer. A miniature schnauzer romps playfully on the floor.

My Date: My roommate hooked up the Internet and it’s really fast.

Me: Oh really? What do you have?

My Date: Just the Internet.

Me: No, I mean is it DSL or is it cable?

My Date: I don't know, but it's really fast. Both computers use the same one too!

Me: You mean they use the same connection?

My Date: No, the same Internet. Both computers plug into a little box and you can use both computers at the same time.

Me: Oh! You mean a router!

My Date: No… this is just a box. (Holds the box.)

Me: That’s a router!

My Date: (Shrugs) Well whatever, it’s really fast.

Try as I may to convince my date that the “little box” had a name, he didn’t believe me. Perhaps I should have used Renee Mazer’s new approach to vocabulary building: WORDGASM, “a risque vocabulary builder.”

“The set of CDs or audio tapes contains 'remember me' clues for over 500 of the most tested vocabulary words. If it makes you laugh, it'll get stuck in your head. For instance, "My boyfriend's kissing was lackluster, so I said 'See you later buster,'"” according to ReneeMazer.com.

That approach may have worked for my date and his little box. Something like:

“Perhaps you didn’t hear me,
I said, "It’s called a router,"
Do you need me to repeat it,
Or just say it louder?”