<3 U!

Last week, I got a very official-looking letter from the Federal Investigative Services Division of some government agency.

Feeling a cold sweat coming on, I ripped the envelope open without taking another step.

The letter read, “Your name has been provided by the person identified below to assist in completing a background investigation to help us determine this person’s suitability for employment or security clearance.”

Oh - Phew.

On the back of the letter was a SAT-style multiple choice questionnaire, which needed to be filled out with a No. 2 pencil.

The first question was, “My association with this person is/was as a:”

A) Co-worker
B) Neighbor
C) Friend
D) Spouse
E) Former spouse
F) Other (Please explain in Line 8)

“Say ‘Other’!” my friend pleaded. “Fill in other and write ‘Lover!’”

“I’m not doing that,” I told him.

"Please?"

"No, I'm not writing that!" I said.

“Why not?!” he demanded. “Come on. Put ‘Lover!’ Please!”

In the end, I chose C) Friend. I’m sorry if that makes me a kill-joy.

To compensate, I may follow Forgivenet.com’s relationship advice as stated in their press release, “Valentine's Day - Ask for Forgiveness From Your Lover.”

“Saint Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to express emotions and even to ask for forgiveness from the lovers whom we have hurt in the past, to unburden our hearts, to apologize and even to make a personal romantic confession,” according to the release.

Forgivenet.com encourages its visitors to “Post a Confession and Secret - to tell what you had never told before.”

Out of curiosity, I read a random confession posted on the site.

“i hate you..
1/29/2008 i sometimes think about our 3 year perfect friendship and wonder still why u turned your back on me all of a sudden for no reason,but then i start thinking about when u turned on me,everything that u said to everyone that i ever conided and trusted u with...and i just get the thoguth of slitting your throat and watching u bleed in a bloody mess...and laughing hysterically while u gurgle up blood...i hate u now more than ever.."

I really hope that these posts are not the same messages that Forgivenet.com referenced in their release and promised to “print out copies of… and place them among the holy stones in the Holy Land.”

I mean, the last thing I want on a holy stone in Israel is a message that says “i h8 u 4--->… lover.”

Valentine Gift Ideas for under $90

I got the best Christmas gift from a misguided, but good-intentioned, co-worker this year. It was given to me covertly in the office break room minutes before our holiday party started.

“I wanted to give it to you here because I didn’t get anything for the rest of the team,” he told me as he handed me a rumpled plastic bag.

Guess what it was.

I’ll tell you what I was expecting – maybe a keepsake ornament or yet another Magic Scarf.

But go ahead and guess.

Did you guess thirty plastic take out containers from the Chinese restaurant on 3rd Avenue? Because that’s what it was.

He said, “When I picked up my beef and broccoli in one of these, I knew you would like them. I remember that I tried throwing yours out at lunch one time and you yelled at me.”

That’s true. I practically lunged across the park and ripped the container right out of his hands.

Then I stole a line from my father and said, “That’s still good!”

My father usually uses that to defend keeping things that are clearly broken – like a piece of rope from our severed clothesline.

“What the heck are you going to do with that?” I asked as the he picked up the rope from our backyard.

“This is a good rope!” he told me.

And then he fashioned it into a belt. Which he wore for three consecutive days.

When I swatted that Tupperware out of my co-worker's hand last summer, I know my father would have been proud.

And you know, as comical as it was to receive take-out containers for Christmas, as far as gifts go, they were certainly useful and dare I say, better than one of these.

Apparently The Vermont Teddy Bear Company, PajamaGram and Calyx Flowers are pushing the Cinderella-themed teddy bear as “just the gift to surprise a princess” for Valentine’s Day. It costs just $89.95.

Just imagine how many take out containers I could buy for $90.

And then think about how many pairs of shoes my father could make out of them!