Make a left, right?

After a particularly bad trip to my doctor last year, I wrote a complaint letter that ended with the sentence, "And if I could ask for my blood back, I would."

I'm sure there are many talented doctors in this world, but unfortunately I haven't met any yet.

For that reason, The Weil Institute of Critical Care's recent medical research press release, "Who Decides How to Save Your Life?" gives me hope that just because I may have had a bad experience with my doctor, there's actually an entire group of people directly responsible for my healthcare. But if their research is anything like their writing, I may just want to pass.

“Most research makes the average person's head ache with scientific terms and medical language we don't understand and certainly won't read. We simply want the life saving benefit of all their efforts," reads the release. “There's nothing wrong with that, after all, that's what the scientists and engineers are getting paid for, right?”

Um, right?

“Wrong! The world's leader in critical care medicine research since 1955 is a non-profit education and research organization that relies on the charity of, guess who?”

Um, I don’t know – who?

“The public. Surprised?”

Yes?

“The Weil Institute has touched us all in one way, shape, manner or form in our lifetime. If you know someone saved by CPR, they wrote the Guidelines; if a future victim has an improved quality of life after suffering sudden cardiac arrest, you can bet the Weil Institute of Critical Care Medicine could ultimately take the credit. They won't.”

If you’re confused now, just wait until you read the full release. I went through it at least five times and I still don’t understand what they’re announcing - though I think it has something to do with either Who or How to Save Your Life.

Either way, I really just want my blood back.

<3 U!

Last week, I got a very official-looking letter from the Federal Investigative Services Division of some government agency.

Feeling a cold sweat coming on, I ripped the envelope open without taking another step.

The letter read, “Your name has been provided by the person identified below to assist in completing a background investigation to help us determine this person’s suitability for employment or security clearance.”

Oh - Phew.

On the back of the letter was a SAT-style multiple choice questionnaire, which needed to be filled out with a No. 2 pencil.

The first question was, “My association with this person is/was as a:”

A) Co-worker
B) Neighbor
C) Friend
D) Spouse
E) Former spouse
F) Other (Please explain in Line 8)

“Say ‘Other’!” my friend pleaded. “Fill in other and write ‘Lover!’”

“I’m not doing that,” I told him.

"Please?"

"No, I'm not writing that!" I said.

“Why not?!” he demanded. “Come on. Put ‘Lover!’ Please!”

In the end, I chose C) Friend. I’m sorry if that makes me a kill-joy.

To compensate, I may follow Forgivenet.com’s relationship advice as stated in their press release, “Valentine's Day - Ask for Forgiveness From Your Lover.”

“Saint Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to express emotions and even to ask for forgiveness from the lovers whom we have hurt in the past, to unburden our hearts, to apologize and even to make a personal romantic confession,” according to the release.

Forgivenet.com encourages its visitors to “Post a Confession and Secret - to tell what you had never told before.”

Out of curiosity, I read a random confession posted on the site.

“i hate you..
1/29/2008 i sometimes think about our 3 year perfect friendship and wonder still why u turned your back on me all of a sudden for no reason,but then i start thinking about when u turned on me,everything that u said to everyone that i ever conided and trusted u with...and i just get the thoguth of slitting your throat and watching u bleed in a bloody mess...and laughing hysterically while u gurgle up blood...i hate u now more than ever.."

I really hope that these posts are not the same messages that Forgivenet.com referenced in their release and promised to “print out copies of… and place them among the holy stones in the Holy Land.”

I mean, the last thing I want on a holy stone in Israel is a message that says “i h8 u 4--->… lover.”

Dating advice that works 50% of the time.

A bar patron in Philadelphia once told me, “I know the best pick up line.”

I had to hear him out – if not for my own entertainment, then for that of my friends.

“OK. Let’s hear it,” I said.

“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.

“That’s it?!” I asked. “I have a drink!”

And with that, he swatted the glass right out of my hand and let it smash on the floor.

“Bet you want that drink now!” he taunted.

I have to admit, I never heard that one before and the delivery was spot on. It obviously didn’t work, but as far as pick up lines go, at least it was memorable.

To be honest though, I didn’t even think that people still used pick up lines. But that’s obviously not the case because a new “national Dating and Mating Survey” launched by the Little Penguin - who is “challenging Americans to do as Australia's Little Penguins do ... and find your mate in 2008” – reported that half of the women polled “still fall for pick up lines.”

In light of the statistic, the Little Penguin encouraged readers to “…keep at it -- pick-up lines can be the perfect ice breaker when you want to grab the attention of a would-be date.”

True. Nothing grabs my attention like a quick rum and coke to the feet.

But I feel it’s necessary to point out that the statistic they provided implies that while pickup lines may work for half the women polled, they obviously don’t work for the other half.

50/50

That’s not great odds.

Perhaps recognizing this inadequacy, “…the Little Penguin has teamed up with Dating Diva and Booty Food author, Jacqui Malouf, to help urban penguins get more booty -- Valentine's Day and every day,” reads the release. “…confused daters can read the hilarious Do's and Don'ts of Dating and find Date Night ideas including delicious food and wine parings guaranteed to heat things up in the kitchen and elsewhere.”

I’d like to share my own “hilarious Don’t:”

Don’t break someone’s glassware. It will likely lead to problems at the bar “and elsewhere.”

At least half the time.

Why we should stop selling vitamins.

After the last presidential election, I definitely referred to Ohio as “The Fuckeye State.”

Very mature, I know.

But as it turns out, if I don’t like this year’s results, I can blame vitamins.

TABS Group, a marketing, consulting and research company, released survey results that claim to analyze presidential election voting preferences based on vitamin and supplement purchases.

“These results provide interesting insight into Vitamin and Supplement Users and how their usage patterns can predict and explain voting behavior,” said Kurt Jetta, President of TABS Group.

Yes, really.