Packin' Heat - Part II

You might remember that a few months ago, I transported a space heater in a duffle bag to Pennsylvania because my boyfriend and his roommates refused to turn on the main heating system in their house.

To this day, they also refuse to purchase a microwave – though they have repeatedly asked me to bring them one.

“If you loved me, you’d bring me the extra one in your apartment,” my boyfriend said.

“I brought you the space heater,” I told him. “I’m not taking a microwave on the bus too! I couldn’t even carry it if I wanted to! It's too big!”

Hopefully, he won’t see this.

According to the recent news release, besides being “the world's smallest patented, personal-sized, portable microwave,” the iWave Cube “features a built-in carry handle that makes it perfect for tailgate parties and picnics.”

And buses.

Make a left, right?

After a particularly bad trip to my doctor last year, I wrote a complaint letter that ended with the sentence, "And if I could ask for my blood back, I would."

I'm sure there are many talented doctors in this world, but unfortunately I haven't met any yet.

For that reason, The Weil Institute of Critical Care's recent medical research press release, "Who Decides How to Save Your Life?" gives me hope that just because I may have had a bad experience with my doctor, there's actually an entire group of people directly responsible for my healthcare. But if their research is anything like their writing, I may just want to pass.

“Most research makes the average person's head ache with scientific terms and medical language we don't understand and certainly won't read. We simply want the life saving benefit of all their efforts," reads the release. “There's nothing wrong with that, after all, that's what the scientists and engineers are getting paid for, right?”

Um, right?

“Wrong! The world's leader in critical care medicine research since 1955 is a non-profit education and research organization that relies on the charity of, guess who?”

Um, I don’t know – who?

“The public. Surprised?”

Yes?

“The Weil Institute has touched us all in one way, shape, manner or form in our lifetime. If you know someone saved by CPR, they wrote the Guidelines; if a future victim has an improved quality of life after suffering sudden cardiac arrest, you can bet the Weil Institute of Critical Care Medicine could ultimately take the credit. They won't.”

If you’re confused now, just wait until you read the full release. I went through it at least five times and I still don’t understand what they’re announcing - though I think it has something to do with either Who or How to Save Your Life.

Either way, I really just want my blood back.

One ticket to New York, hold the turtles.

For a brief moment, I was concerned that I would run out of personal anecdotes to arbitrarily pair with press releases. But then I reminded myself that I regularly take the Chinatown bus between New York and Philadelphia, and there’s no chance of running out of material as long as that bus line is in order.

Take this past week’s trip, when my friend and I returned to New York after the holiday with approximately 45 pounds of my luggage.

“I’ll buy the tickets, you just sit down,” I said to my friend as I handed him my over-packed suitcase and a portable sewing machine.

But after I bought the tickets, the woman behind the counter told me, “Next bus is in ten minutes.”

“What about that bus?” I asked, pointing to the bus my friend just boarded.

“No New York,” she said.

So I got on the bus, walked halfway down the aisle, waved at my friend and said, “Come on. This bus isn’t going to New York.”

And half the bus – including my friend – replied, “It’s not?!” in unison.

So I left to ask the clerk again and she assured me the bus was not going to New York, which prompted practically every passenger to de-board.

“I like that no one listened to me the first time,” I said to my friend.

“Oh that,” he said. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”

“Even you!’ I said. “Even you didn’t listen to me! God. Not one person thought I was right.”

“It’s really not a big deal,” he said.

“What’s with these people? Is it so hard to believe that I might be right?”

“OK, don’t get mad,” he started. “But on your way off the bus, I maybe told people not to listen to you.”

“You WHAT?!”

“Yeah, I said, ‘Don’t listen to her. She drinks.’”

“She drinks?!”

“They all laughed!” he insisted. “It was funny!”

Then he added, “Come on. It’s the Chinatown bus!”

And finally, “OK, I just didn’t want to lug the suitcase back up the aisle.”

Perhaps instances like this should factor into Access America’s next quarterly index measuring the frustration levels of American travelers.

“Based on a survey of more than 1,000 adults -- all of whom had traveled for business or leisure in the past quarter -- the aggregated hassle factor came in at 3.9 out of a possible 10, down from 4.1 in the year's third quarter,” reads the release.

Clearly, no respondents have been traveling on the Chinatown bus, where the “hassle factor” most certainly is greater than that of the DMV and Planned Parenthood clinic combined. In fact, based on this past trip, which after a lot of waiting on the sidewalk eventually ended with us boarding the original bus, and a previous trip that involved someone selling baby turtles in terrariums straight out of a garbage bag , I’d estimate my hassle factor to be at least a 9.99. The .01 is being held in case I ever get on a bus with an animal that gets out of its cage.

Anyway, according to the release, the two biggest complaints from travelers this past quarter is the price of gas and airport/airline service – both of which seem a small inconvenience considering that gas stations and airports generally don’t have turtle salespeople.

At the very least, they do something about the alcoholics.