Do as Paris Hilton does and "Luv Thyself"

For Valentine ’s Day two years ago, I celebrated an ultimate girls night and went out for Indian food. My friends and I were in good company as 90% of the restaurant was filled with table after table of young women. Apparently nothing screams "single" quite like the New Delhi All U Can Eat Buffet.

“The intern got two dozen roses sent to her today,” I told my friends over dinner. “And then, my boss asked me where my bouquet was. I told him, ‘At this point, I’d settle for someone sending me an e-mail.’”

After successfully eating my way into a stomach ache that night, I decided that I would buy myself flowers the following year. Of course, I never followed through on that in 2007 because flowers are expensive and I’d rather treat myself to a mocha. Plus, not to state the obvious or anything, but buying yourself flowers to avenge a former boss is, quite frankly, kind of pathetic.

Unfortunately, not everyone came to that conclusion as celebrity divorce attorney and author, Stacy D. Phillips, recently released a list of “many wonderful things you can do for yourself to feel loved and special during this once yearly 'hallmark' occasion."

My favorite?

“Hit the tattoo parlor: Large or small, get one that says "I love you." It's a lifetime reminder of what you mean to you.”

I like tattoos as much as the next guy, but I really don’t need a lifetime reminder of what I mean to me – whatever that even means. "Large or small," it all sounds like a pretty big mistake.

I think I’ll just revisit the buffet. And maybe get a mocha for dessert.

<3 U!

Last week, I got a very official-looking letter from the Federal Investigative Services Division of some government agency.

Feeling a cold sweat coming on, I ripped the envelope open without taking another step.

The letter read, “Your name has been provided by the person identified below to assist in completing a background investigation to help us determine this person’s suitability for employment or security clearance.”

Oh - Phew.

On the back of the letter was a SAT-style multiple choice questionnaire, which needed to be filled out with a No. 2 pencil.

The first question was, “My association with this person is/was as a:”

A) Co-worker
B) Neighbor
C) Friend
D) Spouse
E) Former spouse
F) Other (Please explain in Line 8)

“Say ‘Other’!” my friend pleaded. “Fill in other and write ‘Lover!’”

“I’m not doing that,” I told him.

"Please?"

"No, I'm not writing that!" I said.

“Why not?!” he demanded. “Come on. Put ‘Lover!’ Please!”

In the end, I chose C) Friend. I’m sorry if that makes me a kill-joy.

To compensate, I may follow Forgivenet.com’s relationship advice as stated in their press release, “Valentine's Day - Ask for Forgiveness From Your Lover.”

“Saint Valentine's Day is a wonderful opportunity to express emotions and even to ask for forgiveness from the lovers whom we have hurt in the past, to unburden our hearts, to apologize and even to make a personal romantic confession,” according to the release.

Forgivenet.com encourages its visitors to “Post a Confession and Secret - to tell what you had never told before.”

Out of curiosity, I read a random confession posted on the site.

“i hate you..
1/29/2008 i sometimes think about our 3 year perfect friendship and wonder still why u turned your back on me all of a sudden for no reason,but then i start thinking about when u turned on me,everything that u said to everyone that i ever conided and trusted u with...and i just get the thoguth of slitting your throat and watching u bleed in a bloody mess...and laughing hysterically while u gurgle up blood...i hate u now more than ever.."

I really hope that these posts are not the same messages that Forgivenet.com referenced in their release and promised to “print out copies of… and place them among the holy stones in the Holy Land.”

I mean, the last thing I want on a holy stone in Israel is a message that says “i h8 u 4--->… lover.”

Conversation starters from my father.

As a teenager, I failed my driver’s license test on three separate occasions – the most notable of which was when the test administrator instructed me to pull over and told me, “Any time someone almost gives me a heart attack during the test, I automatically fail them.”

He was over-reacting. The car I had turned in front of a few seconds prior didn’t even honk.

But because I couldn’t drive myself, my mother had to drop me off and pick me up at all kinds of places, including the basement of my Catholic high school for a fall dance.

“Hey!” my dad shouted as I was heading out the front door. “NO DRUGS!”

“I don’t even drink soda,” I told him.

“I’m talking drugs,” he said. “They’re everywhere and don’t you do them!”

When we got in the car, my mother said, “I wish they’d stop playing those ‘Talk to your kids about drinking’ commercials. He just doesn’t get it.”

It’s too bad my father didn’t have access to The Partnership for a Drug-Free America’s TimeToTalk campaign.

“Parents can find helpful information, including TimeToTalk's latest tip, Five Teachable Moments on www.TimeToTalk.org. Five Teachable Moments is a tip sheet for parents who are having trouble talking with their teen about the risks of drug and alcohol use,” reads the release.

Yelling, “No drugs!” out the screen door was not one of the five teachable moments. But maybe it should be because it worked.

Take action...

On Valentine’s Day last year, I told my friends that I was going to borrow my neighbor’s dog, slip on an icy sidewalk and inspire the latest rom-com blockbuster when a handsome, yet mysterious, stranger helped me up.

But I put that idea on hold when someone I had been dating for a few weeks called and asked if I was interested in a low-key night. It was a Tuesday and I don’t think he had any idea it was Feb. 14.

Nearly an hour into the night - after turning down my repeated drink offerings - he told me, “I don’t drink. I’m a recovering alcoholic.”

I was in a little bit of a dating dry spell at the time and I said to myself, “Well hey - a recovering alcoholic is better than a straight-up alcoholic.”

Besides, I was in no position to judge because I had just finished telling a story about how I took a hip hop class at my gym and danced right into a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in the work out room.

“The whole dance was terrible,” I told him. “By the end of the class the teacher was practically holding my hand and shouting ‘5-6-7-8!’ in my face. I was like, ‘Hey Hadas, I might be a slow learner, but I’m not deaf!”

As it turns out, he knew Hadas and I had to backtrack about how “energetic” she was.

Anyway, an hour later, after sharing horror stories of apartments past, he said, “This place I’m in now isn’t great, but at least it’s better than where I came from.”

“Oh? Where did you come from?” I asked.

“A halfway house,” he said flatly.

I was expecting him to say “New Jersey.”

From there, he launched into a big story about how he was a cocaine addict and to quit using he tried to move to different cities so that he wouldn’t know where to buy. While in Chicago, he got arrested by an undercover cop and spent the night in jail. When he got out, it was the middle of the night and it was freezing, so he checked himself into a mental hospital. And now, here he is – sitting in my living room enjoying a cup of tea and a toasted, buttered scone.

Stories like this are precisely the reason why I take issue with BadOnlineDates.com’s “Bold 8 Dating Makeover” tip #2 – “Now take action ... Move out of your comfort zone and try something new ... hobbies, a different market or going to a local bar ALONE and striking up a conversation with someone new ... Feel nervous? Great. Do that what you fear and your fear will die.”

First of all, I had this exact idea last January and look where it got me – perched on the edge of the couch ready to sprint out of my own apartment – on Valentine’s Day no less.

Second, the writers at BadDatesOnline could stand to familiarize themselves with the mighty period (“.”). Just one does the job better than three strung together. For example:

• I attract winners.
  vs.
• I attract winners…

See the difference? Do you???

Finally, advice like this should come with a disclaimer. Something like, “*Not responsible for sexually transmitted diseases; Tips not intended for use in conjunction with MySpace.com.”

Regardless, I’m not going to fall for this “take action” trap two years in a row. This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to stick to walking dogs in snowstorms. Strangers who will help you up can’t be nearly as bad.