Airbrushed Cadillac - Top It.

I dare you to send me your worst date stories.

Terrible as they may be, I’m confident that they wouldn’t be able to compete with that of a friend of mine, who had someone pick her up in a lime green Cadillac SUV with his own face airbrushed on the doors. He had recently written a diet book and evidently thought his car made for a good publication vehicle.

In a recent press release, Abox Publishing and author Ted Skup warn people about fitness nuts like this. They claim to be “taking on the 35 billion-dollar fitness industry and explaining why it is failing us with its bogus claims, magic bullets and quick fixes” so often found on car doors.

However, this challenge apparently does not apply to Ted Skup's fad workout plan as presented in his new book, "Death, Taxes & Push-Ups."

Dubbed by Skup as “the most explosive exercise on the planet!” push-ups seem to be the latest unsung workout regiment. In fact, Skup thinks that push-ups are so underrated that he re-branded them as “Horizontal Jogging.”

“Although the fitness industry may not want to hear it, push-ups are free. No equipment, no gimmicks, and totally portable,” said Skup. Except, of course, for the $18.95 + shipping you need to spend on a copy of “Death, Taxes & Push Ups.”

I’m not really interested in push ups, let alone an entire book about them. But if Ted Skup showed up at my apartment with this on the hood of his Cadillac, I would definitely go for coffee.

6 out of 10 women think like me

As I was walking back to my office from my lunch hour one summer day, a man asked me, “So how was your sandwich?”

I had been eating one about 20 minutes prior while sitting on a park bench two blocks away.

To add to the creepiness of the situation, the man was in his mid-forties, overweight, balding and wearing a linen suit.

I said, “Good, thanks!” even though my intonation made the message seem more like “Go die!”

In an apparent attempt to turn the conversation around, he formally introduced himself at the next light.

For me, this changed nothing.

So he frantically dug through his pockets and produced a rumpled business card. He worked for something called the “Judicial Tip Staff” and he wanted to shake my hand.

While crossing the street, he quizzed me on my favorite lunch spots, favorite bands and favorite movies. Having been unable to elicit a response, as a last ditch effort he yelled, “Do you like dogs? I have a Golden Retriever if you like dogs!” as I was heading into my building.

Once inside, I immediately recounted the whole story to my boss, who advised me, “Hold onto that business card. It might come in handy.”

And right she was because when I got back to my desk, I did what 57% of New York women do and researched him online.

Up until today, I was under the impression that Google-ing strangers was a complete misuse of the Internet. For that reason, I owe Harlequin and their 2008 Romace Report: Confessions a good deal of thanks for exposing this trend as the leading statistic in their press release, “Better Hide Your Baggage; New Yorkers Have No Shame When it Comes to Snooping through Their Partners' Belongings or Online Profiles.”

It turns out – according to Google.com - my lunch escort organized the "Hot Rod Hoedown RNR Rumble 3 " in 2001.

Perhaps that’s why the poor guy seemed so desperate – at least 57% of the women he has spoken to since 2001 have seen that post and likely turned his hot rod (hoe)down.

Take action...

On Valentine’s Day last year, I told my friends that I was going to borrow my neighbor’s dog, slip on an icy sidewalk and inspire the latest rom-com blockbuster when a handsome, yet mysterious, stranger helped me up.

But I put that idea on hold when someone I had been dating for a few weeks called and asked if I was interested in a low-key night. It was a Tuesday and I don’t think he had any idea it was Feb. 14.

Nearly an hour into the night - after turning down my repeated drink offerings - he told me, “I don’t drink. I’m a recovering alcoholic.”

I was in a little bit of a dating dry spell at the time and I said to myself, “Well hey - a recovering alcoholic is better than a straight-up alcoholic.”

Besides, I was in no position to judge because I had just finished telling a story about how I took a hip hop class at my gym and danced right into a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in the work out room.

“The whole dance was terrible,” I told him. “By the end of the class the teacher was practically holding my hand and shouting ‘5-6-7-8!’ in my face. I was like, ‘Hey Hadas, I might be a slow learner, but I’m not deaf!”

As it turns out, he knew Hadas and I had to backtrack about how “energetic” she was.

Anyway, an hour later, after sharing horror stories of apartments past, he said, “This place I’m in now isn’t great, but at least it’s better than where I came from.”

“Oh? Where did you come from?” I asked.

“A halfway house,” he said flatly.

I was expecting him to say “New Jersey.”

From there, he launched into a big story about how he was a cocaine addict and to quit using he tried to move to different cities so that he wouldn’t know where to buy. While in Chicago, he got arrested by an undercover cop and spent the night in jail. When he got out, it was the middle of the night and it was freezing, so he checked himself into a mental hospital. And now, here he is – sitting in my living room enjoying a cup of tea and a toasted, buttered scone.

Stories like this are precisely the reason why I take issue with BadOnlineDates.com’s “Bold 8 Dating Makeover” tip #2 – “Now take action ... Move out of your comfort zone and try something new ... hobbies, a different market or going to a local bar ALONE and striking up a conversation with someone new ... Feel nervous? Great. Do that what you fear and your fear will die.”

First of all, I had this exact idea last January and look where it got me – perched on the edge of the couch ready to sprint out of my own apartment – on Valentine’s Day no less.

Second, the writers at BadDatesOnline could stand to familiarize themselves with the mighty period (“.”). Just one does the job better than three strung together. For example:

• I attract winners.
  vs.
• I attract winners…

See the difference? Do you???

Finally, advice like this should come with a disclaimer. Something like, “*Not responsible for sexually transmitted diseases; Tips not intended for use in conjunction with MySpace.com.”

Regardless, I’m not going to fall for this “take action” trap two years in a row. This Valentine’s Day, I’m going to stick to walking dogs in snowstorms. Strangers who will help you up can’t be nearly as bad.

Derailing the first date train

I noticed that eHarmony issued some practical dating advice with their “5 Bad Habits that Tank First Dates” list.

“If you find yourself tanking first dates too often, then try to avoid these habits that can derail the first-date train before it even gets going,” reads the article.

1. Don’t monopolize the conversation.
2. Don’t “Over-Share.”
3. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.
4. Don’t propose.
5. Don’t ignore clues.

I’d tend to agree – I wouldn’t recommend proposing and who doesn’t love clues? But being far less generous than eHarmony, I would probably identify these first date train wrecks and block them from using the service so that normal people wouldn't have to deal with them.

But since I can't do that, I would like to add a few notes, which were inspired by real events that took place on some of my favorite first dates.

1. Don’t make excuses.

The only thing worse than having someone cancel a date because he locked his keys in his car is knowing that he canceled the previous date because he had sunburn.

Please note these excuses fall somewhere in between “My car window won’t roll up,” and “My mom’s dog ate a Brillo pad,” on the excuse continuum.

2. Cut your losses.

My truly intolerable dates are the ones that keep giving long after the dinner is over.

I once met a man for a single drink and when I didn’t return his phone calls afterwards, he followed up by sending me a digital photo in which he was dressed in a unitard and feather boa on Halloween, a link to the Crush Calculator and a text message that said, “Just got out of jail.”

“I don’t have to reply to this, do I?” I asked my roommate.

To which she replied, “You do – if only for my entertainment!”

So for the fair price of $1, she paid me to text back, “OMG R-U-OK WTF BBQ Y?” where the “BBQ” definitely stood for barbecue.

3. Don’t punch anyone.

I was once on a first date with someone who told me, “Some of my friends are going to drop by.” And sure enough, our table for two eventually seated four extra people who all got wrapped up talking about high school.

Not having much to contribute to the conversation, I kept quiet until my date told me, “You better start talking – or I’m going to punch you in the face with shit on my knuckles!”

4. Don’t use racial slurs.

Don’t think for a second that Shitty Knucks was my worst date.

No, that prize would go to an investment banker, who during a first date – on which he invited another couple – referred to me as a four letter word that means “hairy Italian woman.”

In case you are ever faced with these situations and other dating blunders, I advise carrying a pocket-sized notebook, excusing yourself to use the restroom and taking copious notes to maintain a record of all of your encounters – if only to flesh out the bad behavior continuum.

And “if only for my entertainment!”