You're dragging me down.

As I was adding cream cheese to my bagel the other day at work, a co-worker praised me for “cooking.”

“That’s a really good idea,” she told me. “I buy a bagel with cream cheese every day and I could just buy the cream cheese at the grocery store – save money.”

It’s logic like this that makes my boyfriend say, “New York – center of the universe, yet so out of touch.”

He’s right - only in Manhattan is grocery shopping considered a novel idea and great way to cut food costs.

But a recent news release from Alliance to Save Energy that boasts money saving tips, like “drive the car that gets better gas mileage” and “avoid idling, which gets 0 mpg,” has me wondering. Maybe people really do need “tips” like this:

“Ditch "junk in the trunk." After your vacation, don't forget to unpack your trunk. An extra 100 pounds in the trunk cuts a typical car's fuel economy by up to 2%. You can save up to 12 gallons of gasoline per year - up to $40 - by removing an extra 100 pounds of unneeded items in the trunk of a car.”

Since we’re on the subject of added pounds, I might consider skipping the cream cheese altogether – lest someone decide that I am the unneeded 100-pound item ruining the gas mileage.

Bad things come in threes... or more.

Today I accidentally went to lunch during the time I was supposed to be in a meeting. And when I tried to pay for my meal, I realized that I had lost my credit card.

I was kind of the poster child for Larry G. Patten's new program for personal life improvement, "Living As A Champion," which is “designed to bring individuals to a point where they can take charge of their lives and become champions in all that they do,” according to the recent news release from AuthorHouse.

I could use some help being a champion in all that I do these days. Last week, I bought a pair of running shoes and then accidentally left them at a T-Mobile store across town. By the time I realized I didn’t have the bag in my hand, they were long gone, and just for fun, the store overcharged me by $75.

I guess that’s not a big deal, at least not according to Living As A Champion’s “simple, common sense hierarchy.”

“In their quest for success, readers will progress through Discovery, Direction and Development, the three elements of Patten's program. Discovery is about establishing a greater awareness of what matters most in your life.”

That’s good to hear because I’ve kind of been beating myself up over gouging a part of my boyfriend’s hairline when I was giving him a haircut the other day. But that doesn’t matter most in my life.

“Success arises from Results, which are products of Behaviors, which are driven by Attitudes. If you can devote yourself to creating more effective habits of thought, then you are on the right track to self-improvement.”

I should tell my boyfriend that. Success is a relative term. Just think positive. And maybe I should tell that to the IRS too since I just found out that I owed them $510.

But I owe it like a champion.

Derailing the first date train

I noticed that eHarmony issued some practical dating advice with their “5 Bad Habits that Tank First Dates” list.

“If you find yourself tanking first dates too often, then try to avoid these habits that can derail the first-date train before it even gets going,” reads the article.

1. Don’t monopolize the conversation.
2. Don’t “Over-Share.”
3. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.
4. Don’t propose.
5. Don’t ignore clues.

I’d tend to agree – I wouldn’t recommend proposing and who doesn’t love clues? But being far less generous than eHarmony, I would probably identify these first date train wrecks and block them from using the service so that normal people wouldn't have to deal with them.

But since I can't do that, I would like to add a few notes, which were inspired by real events that took place on some of my favorite first dates.

1. Don’t make excuses.

The only thing worse than having someone cancel a date because he locked his keys in his car is knowing that he canceled the previous date because he had sunburn.

Please note these excuses fall somewhere in between “My car window won’t roll up,” and “My mom’s dog ate a Brillo pad,” on the excuse continuum.

2. Cut your losses.

My truly intolerable dates are the ones that keep giving long after the dinner is over.

I once met a man for a single drink and when I didn’t return his phone calls afterwards, he followed up by sending me a digital photo in which he was dressed in a unitard and feather boa on Halloween, a link to the Crush Calculator and a text message that said, “Just got out of jail.”

“I don’t have to reply to this, do I?” I asked my roommate.

To which she replied, “You do – if only for my entertainment!”

So for the fair price of $1, she paid me to text back, “OMG R-U-OK WTF BBQ Y?” where the “BBQ” definitely stood for barbecue.

3. Don’t punch anyone.

I was once on a first date with someone who told me, “Some of my friends are going to drop by.” And sure enough, our table for two eventually seated four extra people who all got wrapped up talking about high school.

Not having much to contribute to the conversation, I kept quiet until my date told me, “You better start talking – or I’m going to punch you in the face with shit on my knuckles!”

4. Don’t use racial slurs.

Don’t think for a second that Shitty Knucks was my worst date.

No, that prize would go to an investment banker, who during a first date – on which he invited another couple – referred to me as a four letter word that means “hairy Italian woman.”

In case you are ever faced with these situations and other dating blunders, I advise carrying a pocket-sized notebook, excusing yourself to use the restroom and taking copious notes to maintain a record of all of your encounters – if only to flesh out the bad behavior continuum.

And “if only for my entertainment!”