And now for something completely different.

Recent news coverage from the campaign trail seems to typecast small-town Pennsylvanians as gun-loving religious zealots – and bitter ones at that.

I don’t know where anyone would get such an idea.

Surely not from my father, who once accidentally shot the family SUV during target practice in the woods in Nanticoke. And not from Nanticoke itself, a town that can’t host a social event unless it makes use of a Church parking lot in some way.

But NO ONE'S BITTER ABOUT THOSE THINGS, that's for sure.

I mean, I may not have known how to operate Microsoft Word until I enrolled in college in 2000, but I once was able to recite the Beatitudes backwards and I can shoot an empty Clorox jug with alarming accuracy. So it’s not like people who grew up in small-town Pennsylvania are deprived or something.

Of course, no one has to apologize for their opinion - but they might consider apologizing for their insult.

And a certain someone else might consider apologizing for this.

80 million reasons to vote

Everyone knows the election is going to be tight this year, so I appreciate that Telum Associates announced that 80 million swing votes are up for grabs.

"There are 80 million law-abiding gun owners in the United States, tens of millions more gun owners than there will be voters for the successful presidential candidate. Gun owners can defeat either Clinton or Obama or both of them in November,” reads the recent news release. “Gun owners can save the country from them and from the hypocrisy they represent. Gun owners can save the country from the government interference in the personal right of self-defense which both candidates advocate."

I know those are some strong words, but I’m sure the team over at Telum Associates isn’t going to do anything unreasonable - like say add a graphic to their news release to simulate having a gun pointed at your face.

Normally, I’d be a tiny bit worried that my commentary may make me the recipient of some very pointed pro-Second Amendment hate mail. But the average daily readership here at Crossed The Wire is 7, so I don’t think there will be much of an upset.

And thank God because they have me outnumbered 80 million to one. And they have guns.

My ideal man is a millionaire (patriot).

Social networking sites really bring out the best.

For instance, I once received a query from a young man in New Jersey. His request was very specific:

“Who I'd like to meet: My ideal female is around 20-27 98 lbs to 125 lbs, blonde/brunette either one, curly hair, which she can straight up every time she feel like it, blue/green/hazel eyes, her body has to be slim and firm, fair skin. I don’t like female with more that C-cup. I enjoy been around females that take care of themselves, ex... nice French manicure & pedicure, facials a new haircut. U knows always looking fresh. My ideal date is picking you up at 7 am, run one mile, walk down the water line at the shore (Bahamas) or local beach will do then swim, breakfast at 9:30, take the sun for one hour, then go to the arcade (11:30) then lunch from 12-1. Go shopping for two hours (1:30-4:00), ice cream at 4:30 go to the movies, dinner at 8:00 play pool from 9:30-10. To help us heat up we will jump to the whip roll right to the hottest club in town, where we will get down to droung. After getting all wasted we will go to the penthouse, playing slow jams following with a prefect chill bottle of crystal and next to the fire place we will make what our wildest warm bodies (passions) are will to perform”

It goes without saying that I was appalled that the site let him post that.

But at least they put their foot down with the Millionaire Patriot.

Yes, Facebook refused the Millionaire Patriot’s pay-per-click ad campaign, which offered a handgun training course, concealed weapon permit course and a free handgun to the first 5,000 citizens who responded. In an apparent attempt to turn a negative into an even bigger negative, the Millionaire Patriot issued a press release over the rejection.

“It appears to me that Facebook is discriminating against gun owners and placing gun ownership in the same category as pornography… A gun does not cause crime anymore than a camera causes pornography and I do not see Facebook rejecting ads for cameras!” said the Millionaire Patriot.

Certainly Mr. Patriot cannot support giving a free handgun to just anyone - especially not the above gentleman who I fear may take it with him when he “jump to the whip roll right to the hottest club in town” (11-12).

Honestly.

I wouldn’t even trust that kid with a keyboard.

Read the original Millionaire Patriot post.

Famous last words.

Growing up in Northeast Pennsylvania, my father would occasionally line up old bottles and cans in the woods and let me and my brother shoot at them with loaded guns.

One time, as I was leaning across the hood of our Dodge Raider, aiming at an old vanity light bulb propped on a rock 20 yards away, my father took the pistol out of my hands and said, “You’re holding it all crooked! You’re going to shoot the car!!”

And immediately after saying that, he of course shot the car – the bottom of the passenger door to be precise. He narrowly missed his own foot.

I was about nine at the time and I didn’t know what irony was, but I made a mental note that I was going to find that day really funny in about 15 years.

Given my history with firearms, I’m concerned that someone dubbed the “Millionaire Patriot” is providing a "Springfield Armory XD Pistol free of charge to the first 5,000 law-abiding citizens who take advantage of his offer.”

And if the release wasn’t enough - I’m especially concerned with the Front Sight Firearms Training Institute’s Web site banner, which seems to feature five photos of the Millionaire Patriot pretending to be a secret agent man.

He better hope that my father doesn’t find out about this offer – you know, for his car’s sake.