Eli Manning Turns Water Into Wine

My father and I spent ten minutes today discussing Eli Manning’s performance in the Super Bowl.

“Even you can’t deny it,” my father said. “That last play of the game was divine intervention.”

“No, it wasn’t. It was –"

“DIVINE INTERVENTION!” he repeated. “That play was a miracle!”

“It was not miraculous,” I said. “It was good, but it wasn’t a miracle.”

“It was the work of God!” my father insisted.

If you think my father’s commentary was ridiculous, just wait until you hear what Dr. Joanne G. Sujansky, CSP, CEO and Founder of Pittsburgh-based KEYGroup, said in their recent press release “Hey, Corporate America!”

“When the New York Giants' 28-year-old quarterback led his team to a Super Bowl victory, he showed 97 million viewers that Gen Ys are the do-it-and-prove-it generation,” reads the release.

"If this Gen Y quarterback could do it with the best team in the NFL, what's to stop Gen Ys from moving our country's corporate teams to their Super Bowls?" Dr. Sujansky asks.

Gen Ys doing-it and proving-it for a corporate team in a Super Bowl equivalent?

It’ll take a miracle to figure that mess out.

Estimated Wait Time: 6 Months

About a month ago, I received a message from Comcast alerting me to the fact that I owed them $600.

This, of course, was incorrect.

“Do you know how many times I tried to disconnect my service?” I asked the customer service representative who took my call. Before he could even respond, I answered, “Three!”

“And do you know what they told me when I tried?” I asked. “They told me I couldn’t! And when I asked if I could just return my equipment and sort the rest out later because I was moving out of the state, they wouldn’t even tell me where to leave it.”

“What is wrong with them?” I asked my friend later. “They could have just answered me six months ago before it was even a problem. But they’re obviously not worried about customer service! What else could they possibly be doing all day?”

The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is research.

Extremely important , scientific research.

“Comcast Super Bowl Survey Shows Fans Believe Tom Brady Will Look Best in HD, but Women More Likely to Give Manning Equal Favor,” reads the headline of a recent release.

“When asked who would look best in HD at the Super Bowl, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was the most popular choice among six players, with 27 percent of the vote, while Eli Manning of the New York Giants received a close 23 percent."

And it gets better - because there’s a graphic.

“The survey asked Americans if they could go back in time and watch one of the past Super Bowl MVPs play in high-def, 29 percent chose to see Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XXXVIII,” according to the release.

I really wish the Opinion Research Corporation’s CARAVAN Services would have called me as part of their survey for two reasons: first, because I’m probably the only person in the country who would have said, "Terrell Owens in Super Bowl XXXIX," and second, because as long as we were traveling back in time, I’d have asked them where I could return my cable box.

I would have appreciated the information 100%.

6 out of 10 women think like me

As I was walking back to my office from my lunch hour one summer day, a man asked me, “So how was your sandwich?”

I had been eating one about 20 minutes prior while sitting on a park bench two blocks away.

To add to the creepiness of the situation, the man was in his mid-forties, overweight, balding and wearing a linen suit.

I said, “Good, thanks!” even though my intonation made the message seem more like “Go die!”

In an apparent attempt to turn the conversation around, he formally introduced himself at the next light.

For me, this changed nothing.

So he frantically dug through his pockets and produced a rumpled business card. He worked for something called the “Judicial Tip Staff” and he wanted to shake my hand.

While crossing the street, he quizzed me on my favorite lunch spots, favorite bands and favorite movies. Having been unable to elicit a response, as a last ditch effort he yelled, “Do you like dogs? I have a Golden Retriever if you like dogs!” as I was heading into my building.

Once inside, I immediately recounted the whole story to my boss, who advised me, “Hold onto that business card. It might come in handy.”

And right she was because when I got back to my desk, I did what 57% of New York women do and researched him online.

Up until today, I was under the impression that Google-ing strangers was a complete misuse of the Internet. For that reason, I owe Harlequin and their 2008 Romace Report: Confessions a good deal of thanks for exposing this trend as the leading statistic in their press release, “Better Hide Your Baggage; New Yorkers Have No Shame When it Comes to Snooping through Their Partners' Belongings or Online Profiles.”

It turns out – according to Google.com - my lunch escort organized the "Hot Rod Hoedown RNR Rumble 3 " in 2001.

Perhaps that’s why the poor guy seemed so desperate – at least 57% of the women he has spoken to since 2001 have seen that post and likely turned his hot rod (hoe)down.

Do as Paris Hilton does and "Luv Thyself"

For Valentine ’s Day two years ago, I celebrated an ultimate girls night and went out for Indian food. My friends and I were in good company as 90% of the restaurant was filled with table after table of young women. Apparently nothing screams "single" quite like the New Delhi All U Can Eat Buffet.

“The intern got two dozen roses sent to her today,” I told my friends over dinner. “And then, my boss asked me where my bouquet was. I told him, ‘At this point, I’d settle for someone sending me an e-mail.’”

After successfully eating my way into a stomach ache that night, I decided that I would buy myself flowers the following year. Of course, I never followed through on that in 2007 because flowers are expensive and I’d rather treat myself to a mocha. Plus, not to state the obvious or anything, but buying yourself flowers to avenge a former boss is, quite frankly, kind of pathetic.

Unfortunately, not everyone came to that conclusion as celebrity divorce attorney and author, Stacy D. Phillips, recently released a list of “many wonderful things you can do for yourself to feel loved and special during this once yearly 'hallmark' occasion."

My favorite?

“Hit the tattoo parlor: Large or small, get one that says "I love you." It's a lifetime reminder of what you mean to you.”

I like tattoos as much as the next guy, but I really don’t need a lifetime reminder of what I mean to me – whatever that even means. "Large or small," it all sounds like a pretty big mistake.

I think I’ll just revisit the buffet. And maybe get a mocha for dessert.

Poetry I can get down with.

Here’s something to think about:

(A three bedroom apartment + Three college boys + Me) x 365 = Year-long Disaster

When the boys finally moved out of the apartment on September 1, they rented a U-Haul from noon to 4, but they weren’t able to pick up the keys for their new house until 5:30. That pretty much sums up what it was like to live with them for a year.

While they were packing, one guy kept announcing when he was taking things – “I’m taking the couch! It’s mine,” and “I’m taking the dishes! They’re mine.”

I think he expected me to argue with him.

“Where are you going to sit?” he asked me. “And how are you going to watch TV? You don’t even have a TV! You won’t have the internet! What are you going to do about the internet?!”

All this was happening as he was unplugging the router in my room and rolling up the cords. So I reminded him that he wasn’t actually taking the internet with him when he moved – that he was really just taking the router.

After that there was a big to-do about whose spaghetti sauce was whose and who should take the trash bags and who bought the coffee filters. Eventually, I got completely annoyed and started throwing everything from the pantry shelf into one big trash bag (whose owner was in question) and telling him to take the tea bags and the salt shaker and go start a new life in a new apartment.

As it turns out, Emerson Hart could have saved me the trouble.

“With Valentine's right around the corner, iwishthebestforyou.com offers an original and unique way to remember those you might rather forget. Users can pick a quote directly from the song "I Wish the Best for You" or make up their own. Quotes available include… the tongue-in-cheek "I'm keeping the TV and dog ... I wish the best for you."

Let’s face it, everyone’s got three bad roommates they need to anonymously send a singing e-card to.

Just hope that in turn, you don’t get the “You’ve got some serious issues… I wish the best for you,” version.

The Futon: An Innovative Couch-Like Seating Apparatus

One weekend when my family came to visit the city, they stopped at my apartment for dessert.

I was cutting fudge in the kitchenette and my mother was setting the coffee table approximately three feet away when my brother opened the refrigerator door directly into the ledge I was cutting on. Then my father swung out of the bathroom and took a single step into the middle of it all.

Within seconds, I said to my father, “Oh for heaven’s sake, close the door and use the air freshener.”

So my father headed back in and banged around in the cabinets and rustled the shower curtain. He sprayed something very briefly before there came a tell-tale silence.

When I looked in, he was still holding the canister in the spray position.

“That’s shaving cream!” I yelled.

Luckily, he didn't shake the can enough, and hardly anything came out.

It’s a mistake anyone could make. As a product line, air freshener canisters just aren’t differentiated enough.

Presumably, that’s why Sara Lee and Henkel partnered to “Launch Innovation in the US” with “Revolutionary Air Freshener Insight.”

I know I do this a lot – but I have to ask, can someone tell me what “air freshener insight” is and what makes it “revolutionary?” More importantly, how exactly can you launch innovation in the United States?

“The innovation is based on the insight that people notice and enjoy complementary fragrances that change regularly much more than static, background smells,” reads the release.

“It's imperative to have an innovation strategy that creates a new dimension of performance and TriScents air freshener illustrates the spirit of innovation and collaboration," said Brad Casper, President and CEO-The Dial Corporation, A Henkel Company.

Quick buzz word roll call: innovation, imperative, innovation, strategy, innovation and collaboration.

Taking the lead from Sara Lee and Henkle, I've decided to launch my own innovation strategy – it’s based on personal insight to operate my residence bathroom without any collaboration from my father. In fact, it's imperative in creating a new dimension of performance.

One more reason to eat pizza with crushed red pepper.

A few weeks ago, my roommate, an editor at a fashion magazine, left a duffle bag full of beauty products in my bedroom with a note to “Enjoy!”

“Are you offended?” one of my friends asked me.

Offended?! The way I see it, six different brands of self-tanner never hurt anyone. And how could someone get offended by a little box of Lunar Dust when it presumably came all the way from Outer Space to coat me in a layer of “dramatic radiance.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I told her. “I was offended freshman year when that girl from our dorm stopped me on the elevator and asked me if she could pluck my eyebrows. And I was offended when I was foundation shopping at M.A.C and the salesgirl took one look at my face and decided that I needed the “full coverage” formula. And I was offended last week when my neighbor asked me how tall I was when I was walking out of my apartment.”

Trust me. This little bag of eyeliner and moisturizer was nothing. And to prove it, I reverted to the mentality of a six-year old and applied every single product to my face that very night.

“Next time you visit, I’ll give you what I don’t use,” I offered my friend.

One of the things that ended up in her care package was a lip plumper. Cute as it sounded, I figured I didn’t need it because a woman at a gas station once asked me if I got lip injections. Sadly, it was not the first time I had to field that question and I assumed my lips were plenty plumpy if strangers have brought it to my attention more than once.

Now, thanks to the press release, “Don't Pout About Irritated Lips: Dermatologists Can Offer Top Tips to Help Keep Lips in Tip-Top Shape” from the American Academy of Dermatology, I don't think I should give the lip plumper to anyone.

"Lip plumpers often contain chemicals used to intentionally irritate the lips and make them appear fuller, such as capsaicin (derived from chili peppers), mint, or menthol, among others," explained dermatologist Margaret E. Parsons, MD, FAAD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California at Davis.

Is this really what the world is coming to? Tip-Top Lip Tips in our news releases and capsaicin in our makeup?

If so, I am taking my Lunar Dust and hightailing it right to Outer Space – dramatically. And radiantly.