Estimated Wait Time: 6 Months

About a month ago, I received a message from Comcast alerting me to the fact that I owed them $600.

This, of course, was incorrect.

“Do you know how many times I tried to disconnect my service?” I asked the customer service representative who took my call. Before he could even respond, I answered, “Three!”

“And do you know what they told me when I tried?” I asked. “They told me I couldn’t! And when I asked if I could just return my equipment and sort the rest out later because I was moving out of the state, they wouldn’t even tell me where to leave it.”

“What is wrong with them?” I asked my friend later. “They could have just answered me six months ago before it was even a problem. But they’re obviously not worried about customer service! What else could they possibly be doing all day?”

The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is research.

Extremely important , scientific research.

“Comcast Super Bowl Survey Shows Fans Believe Tom Brady Will Look Best in HD, but Women More Likely to Give Manning Equal Favor,” reads the headline of a recent release.

“When asked who would look best in HD at the Super Bowl, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was the most popular choice among six players, with 27 percent of the vote, while Eli Manning of the New York Giants received a close 23 percent."

And it gets better - because there’s a graphic.

“The survey asked Americans if they could go back in time and watch one of the past Super Bowl MVPs play in high-def, 29 percent chose to see Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XXXVIII,” according to the release.

I really wish the Opinion Research Corporation’s CARAVAN Services would have called me as part of their survey for two reasons: first, because I’m probably the only person in the country who would have said, "Terrell Owens in Super Bowl XXXIX," and second, because as long as we were traveling back in time, I’d have asked them where I could return my cable box.

I would have appreciated the information 100%.