How a press release can cost millions.

I have a running list of ridiculous mistakes I find in press releases. It's what happens when no one seems to understand how to use a semicolon and Ted Skup keeps referring to himself as "Ghandi."

Tonight I'm adding Lifestyle Beverages, who recently incorporated the first person in a news release:

"With New Yorkers getting fatter and unhealthier due to the fact that they are drinking sugar sweetened drinks with many calories, I believe that it's time New Yorkers lived healthier lifestyles by drinking TrimWater," reads the first paragraph of the release.

Apparently unsatisfied with their botched attempt at public relations, the company went on to invite a lawsuit:

"TrimWater is a new diet beverage that's great tasting and low in calories and sugar and healthy for you, unlike Vitamin Water, SoBe, Lifewater, Gatorade, Coke, Pepsi."

Good luck with that.

I'm sure Gatorade, Coke, Pepsi will be annoyed, irritated, ready to throw down.

The Internet will always be Public

Attn: Online Dating Services

You're all the same.

Even you Sparkbliss - online home for the "non-online dater who would rather not have their profile published on the public Internet."

Repeat Offender: Ted Skup, aka Push-Up King

The good times just keep on rolling here.

In his latest news release, “Push-ups: 'Man vs. Machine,'” Ted Skup, author of “Death, Taxes & Push-Ups,” offers a stern warning to “a new generation of terminators…secretly masquerading as experts in the fitness industry.”

“Ted Skup is announcing today that he is taking down these Fitness Terminators with his push-ups along with the most powerful weapon on earth: The Truth.”

Call me crazy, but I don’t think Gandhi - or as Skup put it in a previous release "Ghandi" - would appreciate this turn of events.

Average is 100

Well here's some good news:

New Dating Site for Intelligent People Only

"IntelligentPeople.com is an online dating and networking community which requires that its members pass an IQ test in order to join," according to a news release.

Of course, I had to take the test.

And I failed - probably miserably because I took it during a commercial break while intoxicated as my out-of-town boyfriend was ringing my doorbell.

But thankfully, IntelligentPeople.com allows for situations like this, by letting people take the test twice - per e-mail address registered.

In any case, I'm saving my second chance for a day when I haven't had a gin and tonic and America's Next Top Model isn't on.

And if I still fail, there's always a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.

No IQ necessary.

20 Questions

I once went on a job interview that ended so poorly that I blew a kiss to the office building from the sidewalk and said, "Not getting that one."

Having spent the previous hour answering questions like, "Where did you park your car when you moved into the city?" and "Where does your current boss sit in relation to your cubicle?" - I didn't even care too much that I wouldn't get the job.

On a related note, the National Press Club issued this news release today and I think Barack Obama might be blowing a kiss to White House.

It's my time.

During a group brainstorm at a previous job, I accidentally announced that I had a MySpace profile.

We were talking about how to promote new Internet applications and I thought it would make sense to say, “I think it would help if we got influential early adopters to use the service. It’s like MySpace. I didn’t want to join, but all my friends did – so I had to or I would be left out.”

The resulting silence was broken only when someone screeched, "You're on MySpace?!"

Attempting to get us back on track, my boss said, “What we do on our own time is our own business,” which ended the conversation until an hour later, when she pulled me aside and added, “You know I don’t care about what you do on your personal time. I just care that you’re happy and you’re healthy.”

I felt like telling her that the last time I checked, using the Internet did not put you at risk for contracting an STD.

Of course that’s what I thought until I learned that a site called OnlineBootyCall existed.

Designed to “combine all the benefits of dating with the excitement of maintaining the single life,” OnlineBootyCall boasts making "millions of personal connections every week” and providing “an interactive and fun dating site where 'you don't have to promise marriage just to get a date!'"

Now, what OnlineBootyCall users do on their own time is their own business – but I happen to think that when people sign up for a service that brags about its “rapidly growing [user]population” they're also bound to encounter some rapidly growing, um, problems.

Of course, I don’t expect to see a press release about that.

There are 600 reasons to read this post

A few weeks ago Domino’s Pizza issued a news release about how their 4-4-4 pizza deal was a “Recession-Buster.”

When I read that release, I thought it couldn't be topped.

But apparently I was wrong because in a news release today Domino’s made a case for why Americans should spend their $600 refund check on “150 pizza meals.”

Just to show that they thought their proposal through, they offered several other options for what $600 could buy, including, “Nearly a half mile of fresh mint dental floss” or “685 yards (nearly seven football fields) of bubble wrap (for wrapping or stress relief).”

“If you're getting a $300 stimulus refund check, that means that you could buy 75 pizzas and make 132 meals out of it!”

Exactly.

Because when faced with the choice of either a giant roll of dental floss or 150 pizza meals, I too would opt for several hundred slices of pizza.

Then again - my check might be better spent on 300 boxes of Band-Aids because I kicked off a season of foot trauma last week when I wore a pair of flats without tights.

I also happened to skid across the last lane of traffic on Lexington Avenue because the flats didn’t have proper traction on the soles, but that’s really a story for another time - unless I decide to buy a dozen new pairs of flats.

With a pizza on the side.

What the heck else would you do with a cake?

Who doesn’t love a good, simple proverb?

“Easy come, easy go.”
“Practice what you preach.”
“Actions speak louder than words.”

You can't argue with logic like that.

Just ask Publication Services of America, who recently issued a news release with the headline, “The Best Things in Life Are ... In Better Health & Living(R), A Free, Premium Magazine Launching April 26 in the Twin Cities.”

Kind of lost its ring, no?

But since I feel like being nice, I’ll just leave with this: Some things are better left… Unsaid.

When a stranger hates your hair.

I bet some Web sites have a hard time getting people to take their content seriously.

Like NaturallyCurly.com. Not only did they devote an entire site to maintaining curly hair, but they also recently wrote an open letter to Oprah.

“Dear Oprah: It was with surprise and disappointment that members of our community at NaturallyCurly.com alerted us to your Great American Haircut Makeovers.

In case after case, beautiful waves, curls and kinks were beaten into submission with blow dryers, flatirons and extensions,” reads the release.

Blow dryers and flatirons? The horror.

How dare the Great American Haircut Makeover team actually makeover people’s hair. Just who do they think they are?

In fact, the only thing worse than getting bent out of shape about someone else's hair makeover is issuing a press release over it.

Well that's the pot calling the kettle black.

So the Pope’s here.

And maybe some people seem to be taking it a little too seriously.

“American Life League warns pro-abortion Catholic politicians not to politicize the Eucharist in a nation-wide, full page message addressed to Pope Benedict XVI. On April 17, Pope Benedict XVI will celebrate Mass in Washington, DC where pro-abortion Catholic politicians are expected to attempt to receive communion,” reads the release issued by American Life League.

Yes, let’s make sure we don’t politicize the event.

"Pro-abortion Catholics, who are not really Catholics at all, are opportunists of the worse sort. It would not surprise us at all if they seek to validate their position by exploiting the Holy Father's visit by receiving Holy Communion from the pope," said Judie Brown, president of American Life League.

Nothing like a news release to celebrate being opportunistic and exploitative.

And now for something completely different.

Recent news coverage from the campaign trail seems to typecast small-town Pennsylvanians as gun-loving religious zealots – and bitter ones at that.

I don’t know where anyone would get such an idea.

Surely not from my father, who once accidentally shot the family SUV during target practice in the woods in Nanticoke. And not from Nanticoke itself, a town that can’t host a social event unless it makes use of a Church parking lot in some way.

But NO ONE'S BITTER ABOUT THOSE THINGS, that's for sure.

I mean, I may not have known how to operate Microsoft Word until I enrolled in college in 2000, but I once was able to recite the Beatitudes backwards and I can shoot an empty Clorox jug with alarming accuracy. So it’s not like people who grew up in small-town Pennsylvania are deprived or something.

Of course, no one has to apologize for their opinion - but they might consider apologizing for their insult.

And a certain someone else might consider apologizing for this.

Invest in a new paragraph

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Going for the Gold

In their recent press release, “So ... You Went and Got a Pretty Web Site,” SigrisSystems went all Ted Skup on us.

“Winston Churchill said it best, "Failure is never fatal; success is never permanent." Change is inevitable.”

I'm not familiar with that particular quote, but I would guess Churchill wasn't referring to Web site redesign when he said it. But SigrisSystems at least followed it up with their own wisdom:

“These four important points will you become more successful in your web endeavors,” reads the release. Seriously.

“Keep in mind that, rather than a technical endeavor, the web is a truly unique advertising medium. Unique because visitors to your web site are actively seeking to buy what you offer.

That means:

A. They need to find you from among the millions of sites on the web.
B. You need to grab their attention in the first ten seconds.
C. You need to clearly show them that you provide what they are seeking.
D. You need to demonstrate why You are the most qualified to serve their needs.

In that order.”

Two things:
1. You might want to proofread.
B. Call me. I’ll rewrite it for $50.

Nightmares, Starting May 1

I have a reason to watch Spike TV:

“Spike's TV's "Unsolved Mysteries," featuring real-life cases of unsolved crimes, missing persons and unexplained paranormal phenomena begins its five year run on Spike TV in October, 2008. Each one-hour episode will feature five stories re-enacted by professional actors, plus brand new show wraps and updates on past stories,” according to the news release.

And in related news, I won’t be sleeping for five years beginning in October 2008.

Stop, Drop and Roll

A few summers ago, I dragged my mother and my brother to an event called the “Cabbage Hill Cabbage Roll Festival” in Honey Pot, Pa.

Simply put, people paid $1 to purchase a head of cabbage and roll it down a plastic tarp that was duct-tapped to Market Street.

The Honey Pot Fire Co. came up with the idea to raise money. Apparently their $13,000 annual budget just wasn’t cutting it that year.

So we went. And it was pretty unbelievable – but I chalked it all up to the kind of event that could only happen in small town Pennsylvania.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that Quaker was copping our Honey Pot style:

“On Your Mark ... Get Grits ... Roll!,” reads the recent news release headline.

“Hundreds of people of all ages will travel to show their "true grit" by competing in the 23rd annual "Quaker Instant Grits Roll" at the World Grits Festival in St. George, S.C. Competitors prepare all year for a mere 10 seconds to roll in a baby pool filled with Quaker(R) Instant Grits. Contestants weigh in before and after their roll and the one with the most grits adhering to him or her wins,” according to the release.

Oh please. No one who issues a news release about an event with a corporate sponsor is allowed to brag about "true grit."

That distinction belongs solely to the heroes who entered in the Honey Pot “Cole Slawlom” shopping cart race.

No release required.

Hurry - buy now!

My love of infomercials is well-documented.

So is my love of dogs.

And I can’t wait until they make one about iWalkMyDog’s "Pet Walking Solution Harness."

Thanks to a recent news release, the commercial script is practically written:

“Walking Your Dog a Problem? Pulling, Jumping? iWalkMyDog.com Makes Choke Collars Obsolete,” shouts the headline.

“This patented design employs a low-center-of-gravity rope tension system that feeds through a patented, adjustable D-ring configuration.”

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

When walking your dog gets to be too much trouble, this revolutionary product has a built-in handle that turns your pet RIGHT INTO A SUITCASE!

Attn: Anyone who needs a book idea

Before my boyfriend visited my parents’ house for Easter, I warned him that some members of my family can harbor unorthodox views.

I used the time that my father decided that the future of warfare would involve national space programs “nudging” comets so that they were on a collision path with enemy territory as an example.

“You’re kidding,” my boyfriend said.

But I assured him I was not – comet missiles are only a matter of time, as far as my father was concerned.

And if on the off-chance that doesn’t happen, I think it would make for an excellent science fiction book. They write about all kinds of junk these days, like “an ascetic tribe of half-animal beings chances upon a device with the power to rewrite time and erase history, and sets off across a post-apocalyptic America to find a way to destroy it.”

That plot was included in a news release issued by first-time novelist Ben Goodridge – who by the way – happens to be “on a crusade,” according to the release headline.

Against what, I’m not sure. But I hope the fight involves comets.

Buzz Word Roll Call

It’s only April, but I think I found a strong contender for this year's “Excessive Buzz Word" award:

Innovation Is Key to Global Peace

Collaborative Private Sector, Proactive Government and Innovative Art Can Act As Catalyst To Bring About Competitiveness And Peace

All that and we didn’t even get to the actual release.

But I've come to expect nothing less from a group called The World Summit on Innovation & Entrepreneurship.

Oh, it's not really a video...

While in my coworker’s cubicle today and I noticed a highly suspicious can of generic lemonade sitting on his desk.

“What’s the deal with the lemonade?” I asked him

“Oh, it’s not really lemonade,” he said. “It’s a prank – for April Fool’s Day.”

“What does it do?” I asked.

“It gives you a shock when you touch the top to open it.”

He tapped the lid to demonstrate, but nothing happened.

“Maybe the batteries are dead,” he said as he examined the switch on the bottom.

And then, because the universe wants me to be entertained, he delivered a shock to the palm of his own hand, turned bright red and threw the can across the room.

But he should take comfort in the fact that April Fool’s jokes can backfire on anyone.

Like Smokey Bones Barbeque & Grill, for example.

They had to issue a press release today to apologize for the “Running of the Pigs” video posted on YouTube yesterday.

In the release, Smokey Bones Chief Marketing Officer Peter Bell said, "We've had a great response from guests who have seen the video. I want to assure everyone that no pigs were injured during the video shoot. We have the utmost respect for our porcine friends."

Except when they’re used to promote an “All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs Special.”