Bad things come in threes... or more.

Today I accidentally went to lunch during the time I was supposed to be in a meeting. And when I tried to pay for my meal, I realized that I had lost my credit card.

I was kind of the poster child for Larry G. Patten's new program for personal life improvement, "Living As A Champion," which is “designed to bring individuals to a point where they can take charge of their lives and become champions in all that they do,” according to the recent news release from AuthorHouse.

I could use some help being a champion in all that I do these days. Last week, I bought a pair of running shoes and then accidentally left them at a T-Mobile store across town. By the time I realized I didn’t have the bag in my hand, they were long gone, and just for fun, the store overcharged me by $75.

I guess that’s not a big deal, at least not according to Living As A Champion’s “simple, common sense hierarchy.”

“In their quest for success, readers will progress through Discovery, Direction and Development, the three elements of Patten's program. Discovery is about establishing a greater awareness of what matters most in your life.”

That’s good to hear because I’ve kind of been beating myself up over gouging a part of my boyfriend’s hairline when I was giving him a haircut the other day. But that doesn’t matter most in my life.

“Success arises from Results, which are products of Behaviors, which are driven by Attitudes. If you can devote yourself to creating more effective habits of thought, then you are on the right track to self-improvement.”

I should tell my boyfriend that. Success is a relative term. Just think positive. And maybe I should tell that to the IRS too since I just found out that I owed them $510.

But I owe it like a champion.

Tip Making & Giving Tips

While working at my first job out of college, the position I held was posted as an available job in the company newsletter.

“Something you want to tell me?” I asked my boss as I handed him a copy.

Of course, I wasn’t fired. The posting was the result of someone in Human Resources realizing that they hadn’t posted my position internally several months previous - when it actually was available - and decided to correct the mistake. Without telling me. Or my boss. And in spite of the fact that the job opportunity no longer existed.

I was surprised at the time but have come to accept that internal communication is generally a hot mess.

In a recent press release, the Cleveland chapter of the International Association of Business Communicators (IABC) agrees: "The dynamic landscape of the workplace presents many challenges and opportunities for professional communicators."

See? Total hot mess. So I applaud them for taking on this issue in their new luncheon meeting, "Sense Making & Sense Giving."

I hope they begin by explaining how they chose the name of their program - because as it stands now, it doesn’t make a lot of sense giving – at least not to me.

Next, I want them to explain this: “Walk-in registration begins at 11:30 a.m., and the presentation begins a little after noon March 6…”

A little after noon? Aren’t these the people who are supposed to be helping us communicate better? It could be argued that the most important part of the communication process is being clear. Would it have killed them to say 12:15 p.m.?

Maybe they should take their own advice and try a little sense making.

The best coffee in the galaxy

In case you haven’t heard, Starbucks closed all their U.S. stores for three hours tonight. The sign on the door of my neighborhood shop mentioned something about espresso being very important and that the company needed to re-train employees on the art of coffee brewing. An AP article verified the story earlier this afternoon.

Personally, I hope they’re responding to my reaction during a recent visit when I ordered “A tall soy Chai tea latte with no whipped cream, please.”

“Tall Soy Chai latte!” the barista shouted behind the counter.

“No whipped cream,” I reminded her.

“That drink doesn’t come with whipped cream,” she said and rolled her eyes.

Snotty as the service was, I was still happy to pay $4 for a cup of warm milk. And to prove it, I went back several weeks later and paid $5 for a latte made with half and half.

Wondering why I ordered that? Well, I didn’t. I just wanted a coffee and since the milk thermoses weren’t on the bar I asked the barista to add cream. She went the extra mile and made me a latte.

Maybe Starbucks’ problem isn’t that it needs to “reenergize” 135,000 employees, but just work on their communication. As competitor Dunkin’ Donuts stated in a press release earlier this week, "Long before we launched the espresso revolution in 2003 and made it possible for customers to enjoy authentic lattes without long waits, high prices and confusing sizes, the hard-working people who keep this country running recognized Dunkin' Donuts as the place to enjoy high-quality coffee and baked goods any time of day at an affordable price.”

I understand it must be hard to write good press releases and accompanying quotes when you’re right in the middle of an “espresso revolution,” so I’m glad Dunkin Donuts took the time to clue the world in on their apparent path to success: affordability and comprehensible sizing.

In fact, I saw Dunkin’ Donuts new ad campaign where their loyal customers claim they can’t grasp words like “mocha” and “latte” and brag that their menu is not written in “perhaps Fritalian.” This of course, comes from the people who invented the word “Dunkachino.”

But never mind that, Starbucks. All you have to do is just change your menu to read “small, medium, large and big gulp” and maybe phase out that caramel macchiato and replace it with something like the Milky Way Hot Chocolate.

That one definitely doesn’t need to be translated beyond English. More importantly, it comes with whipped cream.

Airbrushed Cadillac - Top It.

I dare you to send me your worst date stories.

Terrible as they may be, I’m confident that they wouldn’t be able to compete with that of a friend of mine, who had someone pick her up in a lime green Cadillac SUV with his own face airbrushed on the doors. He had recently written a diet book and evidently thought his car made for a good publication vehicle.

In a recent press release, Abox Publishing and author Ted Skup warn people about fitness nuts like this. They claim to be “taking on the 35 billion-dollar fitness industry and explaining why it is failing us with its bogus claims, magic bullets and quick fixes” so often found on car doors.

However, this challenge apparently does not apply to Ted Skup's fad workout plan as presented in his new book, "Death, Taxes & Push-Ups."

Dubbed by Skup as “the most explosive exercise on the planet!” push-ups seem to be the latest unsung workout regiment. In fact, Skup thinks that push-ups are so underrated that he re-branded them as “Horizontal Jogging.”

“Although the fitness industry may not want to hear it, push-ups are free. No equipment, no gimmicks, and totally portable,” said Skup. Except, of course, for the $18.95 + shipping you need to spend on a copy of “Death, Taxes & Push Ups.”

I’m not really interested in push ups, let alone an entire book about them. But if Ted Skup showed up at my apartment with this on the hood of his Cadillac, I would definitely go for coffee.

Remember: Brush twice a day.

Do you know how bad heated mayonnaise smells?

Well my entire family found out 15 years ago thanks to a Seventeen article that encouraged teenage girls everywhere to make their own hair treatments using nothing but the family pantry and a microwave.

It’s impossible to remember the exact ingredients, but it definitely called for mayo and olive oil. And in case the stench of my homemade conditioner didn’t sufficiently establish that I was a complete idiot, I slipped on the oil in the shower and made it official.

It’s always a wonder what magazines could get people to try – beer treatments for your hair, strawberry puree on your face – who knows what else. That’s why I’m alarmed by a recent press release from the Chicago Dental Society who claims that some patients are cleaning their teeth with Comet Disinfectant Powder and using superglue to secure loose dental work.

“As we countdown to CDS's annual Midwinter Meeting, one of the largest displays of dental products in North America, here are a few of the worst dental habits to have:

Cleaning teeth with Comet, bleach or other household cleaners. Household cleaners are abrasive and will wear down the enamel on your teeth. Some are also toxic to ingest.

Using 'crazy glue' for loose dental work. Super-strong glues will still wear away over time. See your dentist for a long-term solution to loose dental work."

Of course, no magazine would ever recommend using bleach to clean teeth or superglue to fix a crown – everyone knows they shouldn’t do that and I can’t imagine anyone would want to. But maybe – just maybe – some people have to because they can’t afford a proper dentist visit.

Maybe CDS can address that issue at their annual Midwinter Meeting.

80 million reasons to vote

Everyone knows the election is going to be tight this year, so I appreciate that Telum Associates announced that 80 million swing votes are up for grabs.

"There are 80 million law-abiding gun owners in the United States, tens of millions more gun owners than there will be voters for the successful presidential candidate. Gun owners can defeat either Clinton or Obama or both of them in November,” reads the recent news release. “Gun owners can save the country from them and from the hypocrisy they represent. Gun owners can save the country from the government interference in the personal right of self-defense which both candidates advocate."

I know those are some strong words, but I’m sure the team over at Telum Associates isn’t going to do anything unreasonable - like say add a graphic to their news release to simulate having a gun pointed at your face.

Normally, I’d be a tiny bit worried that my commentary may make me the recipient of some very pointed pro-Second Amendment hate mail. But the average daily readership here at Crossed The Wire is 7, so I don’t think there will be much of an upset.

And thank God because they have me outnumbered 80 million to one. And they have guns.

Six months ahead of schedule.

Here’s a good riddle:

How do you keep your car cool when the heat is on?

Before you get all hung up on deciding whether “cool” is being used as a synonym for “fashionable” or if we’re trying to work out a solution for engine overheating - let’s allow Mobile Air Conditioning Society (MACS) Worldwide, who recently issued a news release with a very similar headline, to explain:

“It is one of those 90-plus-degree days, hot, hazy and humid,” reads the release. “The Mobile Air Conditioning Society (MACS) Worldwide wants all car owners to understand how their vehicle's air conditioning system works…”

So what we’re talking about is using an air conditioning system to keep a car cool when it’s hot outside - of course!

I should have known, especially since the last time I checked it was February - which is sometimes better known as winter - thus making air conditioning a really hot topic.

“If possible, leave the windows down slightly on hot sunny days… An A/C system works by removing heat, so the cooler the interior is to start with, the easier and faster the A/C will do its job.”

I actually don’t feel comfortable sharing the road with anyone who doesn’t know that. And for the record, I once sideswiped a mountain on the left side of my car while merging into the right lane, so I’m not really even in a position to pass judgment.

But I will because tip #3 goes on to explain how putting an air conditioner on high cools the air faster than the same air conditioner operating at a lower speed. This leads me to believe that maybe MACS Worldwide doesn’t understand basic fan settings – let alone the four seasons and release timing.

Losing weight is as easy as Pour, Stir, Sip

I am among a very small majority of the population who thinks the footage of a middle aged woman revving a chain saw to open a Discman package with a shouting voiceover is the most entertaining three minutes on television today.

Sound ridiculous? Then you clearly haven’t been keeping up with my infomercial hero Billy Mays who has been boasting a way to “Push, Set and Hang” up to 150 lbs or providing a way for “every scratch to meet its match!” with Fix It.

Given my personal interests, it goes without saying that I’m excited that a product called Caffeine Tights has bridged the gap between infomercial and press release with the headline, “Good Morning America! Wake Up to Thinner Legs by Wearing Your Caffeine!”

“Now you can reduce cellulite and leg circumference simply by wearing pantyhose laced with caffeine… Don't just drink your caffeine, wear it!” reads the release. “These revolutionary pantyhose have caffeine micro capsules impregnated into the fiber. As you move, your body temperature causes the caffeine to slowly absorb into skin causing it to break down fatty tissue and make the skin smoother.”

With text like that the infomercial practically writes itself. It seems all they need to make a killer commercial is a graphic that shows the scientific workings of the – oh wait, never mind.

Maybe all they’re waiting for is a model willing to demonstrate how versatile and fashionable the tights are. I would be happy to perform this task and show how they could be worn “With pants! Without pants! Even in place of pants!!”

But wait - if you call me right now I’ll throw in bonus footage of me pouring coffee down my shirt for free! Hurry - this offer won’t last!

ABSOLUT Innovation

There are some problems over at ABSOLUT.

I know this because I applied for a position at its parent company and completed three rounds of interviews before the head of the Communications Department said to me, “You’re here for what? That position was filled months ago!”

I don’t know who was hired for that public relations position, and I don’t know what they do all day, but I hope they were responsible for writing the following news release headline: “ABSOLUT(R) Partners With Kanye West on Most Innovative Collaboration in Spirits Brand's History.”

It seems that as “the most influential spirits brand in the world” ABSOLUT has decided that it’s no longer enough to simply innovate or collaborate. If you want to make history, you have to innovate collaboratively.

Or maybe collaborate innovatively - like this: "From San Francisco and Los Angeles to New York City and Washington, DC, ABSOLUT 100 cocktails and bottle service will be featured prominently in the coolest nightclubs, where official [Kanye West] after parties will jam into the night. Incorporating elements of the tour and Kanye's renowned design aesthetic into both the club scene and retail locations across the country, ABSOLUT will create a 360-degree experience for Kanye's fan base."

In keeping with this theme, perhaps ABSOLUT HR could partner with ABSOLUT Corporate Communications and forge the most innovative collaboration in hiring process history and create a 360-degree experience for their applicants.

I'd drink to that. And then I'd jam into the night.

Until Wednesday - A Different PR

If you’re trying to slip into work 10 minutes late, let me tell you what not to do: roll in with an electric blue suitcase.

“Where are you going?!” five people asked me on my way to my desk.

Puerto Rico. My boyfriend and I planned a trip despite the fact that he doesn’t really like the beach and can’t handle the sun. But I left the booking entirely up to him and we were confirmed before Thanksgiving, so I think it’s safe to say he actually wanted to go.

Please note that his actions are in direct contrast to the results of the new “Where’s the Romance?” poll that claims 70% of men wait until “the last minute” to make Valentine’s Day plans. For the record, the poll was commissioned by the one place that will no-doubt be able to accommodate last-minute bookings: Caesars Pocono Resorts.

“Seventy percent of men are waiting until the last minute to make Valentine's Day plans -- they cite lack of time, lack of priority and lack of ideas,” according to the release.

I was originally very smug about my boyfriend’s advance planning. He is obviously chock full of time, priorities and ideas.

And then it occurred to me that despite having booked a trip for Feb. 15, my boyfriend may not have necessarily connected the dates.

“Quick question for you,” I said the other night. “When we planned Puerto Rico, did you know the trip would be around Valentine’s Day?”

“Nope,” He said. “Honestly – I thought we picked the dates because of Presidents Day.”

You can’t really argue with logic like that. Monday is in fact Presidents Day and what better way to celebrate American history than with a trip to the Caribbean?

With that said – please enjoy a weekend full of love, democracy and automobile sales. I’ll be back on Wednesday – probably with a hangover and hopefully with a tan.

xo

Pleonastic: Use it three times

On a walk through CVS the other day, I noticed that Pantene has a product called “Fortifying Fortifier.”

But to my disappointment, when I tried to find it on the Pantene Web site so that I could make fun of it today, I learned that its proper name is actually “Pro-V Fortifying Deep Fortifying Treatment.”

In spite of that mistake, I think we can all agree that both names are pretty dumb and the packaging is misleadingly misleading if you know what I mean.

But redundancy must be the new pink because a recent L’Oreal Paris news release saw Pantene’s Fortifying Fortifier and raised:

“L'Oreal Paris Introduces Infallible Never Fail Lipcolour in RED CARPET RED,” reads the headline.

I’m no expert on marketing and branding, but I wonder if the product was supposed to be called simply “Infallible” until a bunch of women in the focus group admitted that they didn’t know what the word meant and complained that it sounded negative. These are probably the same women who said, “Just ‘Red Carpet?’ I don’t know – doesn’t sound red enough.”

And in light of this hypothetical feedback, maybe L'Oreal decided to dumb it down to Infallible Never Fail.

Or maybe L’Oreal just likes their headlines Pleonastic Extra Wordy these days.

My hair and I called it a truce.

Over the years, I’ve spent hundreds of dollars trying to find a hair product that makes my hair look “less wild,” as someone from college once pointed out.

I tried just about everything, including a product called Fantasia Frizz Buster. It was at the bottom of the list, but to my surprise I actually liked it - that is until someone saw it in my medicine cabinet and said, “Wow, that’s a really big bottle of lube.”

From that day on, every time I opened my cabinet and someone else was around, I said, “Iknowitlookslikelube – but it’s totally NOT – it’sformyhair!”

Rather than let poor packaging ruin an otherwise decent product, I think the team at Fantasia Frizz Buster should get in touch with global packaging expert T.H.E.M. (Technical Help in Engineering & Marketing) and figure out a new strategy.

T.H.E.M. just put out a news release with the title, “Consumers, Products and Packaging: Can't They All Just Get Along?” so you know they understand the issue and they obviously have the time.

“Consumers actually love packaging most of the time, they just don't know it. That's because when the design is done well, people don't notice the boundary between the products they adore and the package delivering the goods,” reads the release. “Like a referee in a sporting event, the job is considered well done when the package is not a focal point detracting from the "main event".”

That’s right. Fantasia Frizz Buster is welcome to referee my hair all it wants, but it shouldn’t be gettin’ all flashy in my bathroom.

Packin' Heat.

One Friday, the girl who sits in front of me at work pointed out that I brought a rather large overnight bag with me for my trip to Philadelphia.

“Are you only staying the weekend?” she asked. “Because it looks like you have a lot of stuff!”

Of course I didn’t tell her this, but the reason why I had so much stuff was because I had actually packed a space heater in my duffle bag.

And there’s a very simple explanation as to why I did that: my boyfriend asked me to.

He and his two roommates had entered into some sort of pact that winter and decided not to use the main heating system in the house. It was November in Pennsylvania and naturally, I was unhappy with this arrangement.

“Can’t you just turn the heat on?”

“NO!” he insisted. “We’re not turning the heat on this winter.”

“Why not?”

“We’re living off the grid,” he told me.

(For the record, this also happens to be the reason he and his roommates don’t own a microwave. I still can’t tell if he’s joking).

“Well can’t you just turn the heat on when I’m there?” I asked.

“Off the grid!” he repeated. “But you can bring your own heater if you want.”

And so that's the story of how I came to transport an electric space heater across state lines.

I’m sure that sounds absolutely insane, but consider this: according to Bryant Heating & Cooling Systems' first annual Comfort Survey, “81 percent of respondents typically aren't always comfortable with the temperature indoors during winter.” Perhaps what’s more alarming is that I suspect a vast majority of those people are actually using their heating systems.

“When the weather outside is frightful this winter, many people may not find the environment indoors to be delightful,” reads the release. “By surveying more than 1,400 people online, Bryant explored the fine line people walk when attempting to manage their comfort.”

I can vouch for that "fine line." It literally runs all the way from New York City to Philadelphia.

Does this pant suit come with a cape?

I used to have a boss who would call me demanding to know the status of things that I had no idea even existed. I learned to take all of her calls while standing up so that I could reach every single item in my cubicle – including my coat – within three seconds.

When that strategy didn’t work, I’d answer, “I don’t know, but I could find out for you.”

Invariably, this would infuriate her.

She’d demand to know, “Well could you find out?!”

And by the time I would find out – usually several minutes later – her needs would have changed and she would chastise me for calling her directly. And just for fun, she would usually refer to me by the wrong name – Nora.

I used to joke, “My God, when she calls, I feel like I’m answering the Bat Phone.”

Of course, that was just a joke. I never expected RedHotPhones.com to make a phone just to satisfy my needs. And I definitely didn’t expect AbleComm, Inc. to put out a press release with the title, “Now Everyone Can Have a Flashing Red Phone Like Batman.”

“At Wayne Manor, the flashing red Batphone is answered by Alfred the butler, who tells Wayne about the trouble. Then Wayne and his young ward Dick Grayson put on their superhero costumes. As Batman and Robin, they race from the Batcave in the Batmobile to battle evil-doers, or rescue citizens in distress,” reads the release.

So we got the phone - that should help with my battles with corporate evil-doers. Now all I need is the superhero costume.

I mean, that’s all Nora needs.

Eli Manning Turns Water Into Wine

My father and I spent ten minutes today discussing Eli Manning’s performance in the Super Bowl.

“Even you can’t deny it,” my father said. “That last play of the game was divine intervention.”

“No, it wasn’t. It was –"

“DIVINE INTERVENTION!” he repeated. “That play was a miracle!”

“It was not miraculous,” I said. “It was good, but it wasn’t a miracle.”

“It was the work of God!” my father insisted.

If you think my father’s commentary was ridiculous, just wait until you hear what Dr. Joanne G. Sujansky, CSP, CEO and Founder of Pittsburgh-based KEYGroup, said in their recent press release “Hey, Corporate America!”

“When the New York Giants' 28-year-old quarterback led his team to a Super Bowl victory, he showed 97 million viewers that Gen Ys are the do-it-and-prove-it generation,” reads the release.

"If this Gen Y quarterback could do it with the best team in the NFL, what's to stop Gen Ys from moving our country's corporate teams to their Super Bowls?" Dr. Sujansky asks.

Gen Ys doing-it and proving-it for a corporate team in a Super Bowl equivalent?

It’ll take a miracle to figure that mess out.

Estimated Wait Time: 6 Months

About a month ago, I received a message from Comcast alerting me to the fact that I owed them $600.

This, of course, was incorrect.

“Do you know how many times I tried to disconnect my service?” I asked the customer service representative who took my call. Before he could even respond, I answered, “Three!”

“And do you know what they told me when I tried?” I asked. “They told me I couldn’t! And when I asked if I could just return my equipment and sort the rest out later because I was moving out of the state, they wouldn’t even tell me where to leave it.”

“What is wrong with them?” I asked my friend later. “They could have just answered me six months ago before it was even a problem. But they’re obviously not worried about customer service! What else could they possibly be doing all day?”

The answer, ladies and gentlemen, is research.

Extremely important , scientific research.

“Comcast Super Bowl Survey Shows Fans Believe Tom Brady Will Look Best in HD, but Women More Likely to Give Manning Equal Favor,” reads the headline of a recent release.

“When asked who would look best in HD at the Super Bowl, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was the most popular choice among six players, with 27 percent of the vote, while Eli Manning of the New York Giants received a close 23 percent."

And it gets better - because there’s a graphic.

“The survey asked Americans if they could go back in time and watch one of the past Super Bowl MVPs play in high-def, 29 percent chose to see Emmitt Smith of the Dallas Cowboys in Super Bowl XXXVIII,” according to the release.

I really wish the Opinion Research Corporation’s CARAVAN Services would have called me as part of their survey for two reasons: first, because I’m probably the only person in the country who would have said, "Terrell Owens in Super Bowl XXXIX," and second, because as long as we were traveling back in time, I’d have asked them where I could return my cable box.

I would have appreciated the information 100%.

6 out of 10 women think like me

As I was walking back to my office from my lunch hour one summer day, a man asked me, “So how was your sandwich?”

I had been eating one about 20 minutes prior while sitting on a park bench two blocks away.

To add to the creepiness of the situation, the man was in his mid-forties, overweight, balding and wearing a linen suit.

I said, “Good, thanks!” even though my intonation made the message seem more like “Go die!”

In an apparent attempt to turn the conversation around, he formally introduced himself at the next light.

For me, this changed nothing.

So he frantically dug through his pockets and produced a rumpled business card. He worked for something called the “Judicial Tip Staff” and he wanted to shake my hand.

While crossing the street, he quizzed me on my favorite lunch spots, favorite bands and favorite movies. Having been unable to elicit a response, as a last ditch effort he yelled, “Do you like dogs? I have a Golden Retriever if you like dogs!” as I was heading into my building.

Once inside, I immediately recounted the whole story to my boss, who advised me, “Hold onto that business card. It might come in handy.”

And right she was because when I got back to my desk, I did what 57% of New York women do and researched him online.

Up until today, I was under the impression that Google-ing strangers was a complete misuse of the Internet. For that reason, I owe Harlequin and their 2008 Romace Report: Confessions a good deal of thanks for exposing this trend as the leading statistic in their press release, “Better Hide Your Baggage; New Yorkers Have No Shame When it Comes to Snooping through Their Partners' Belongings or Online Profiles.”

It turns out – according to Google.com - my lunch escort organized the "Hot Rod Hoedown RNR Rumble 3 " in 2001.

Perhaps that’s why the poor guy seemed so desperate – at least 57% of the women he has spoken to since 2001 have seen that post and likely turned his hot rod (hoe)down.

Do as Paris Hilton does and "Luv Thyself"

For Valentine ’s Day two years ago, I celebrated an ultimate girls night and went out for Indian food. My friends and I were in good company as 90% of the restaurant was filled with table after table of young women. Apparently nothing screams "single" quite like the New Delhi All U Can Eat Buffet.

“The intern got two dozen roses sent to her today,” I told my friends over dinner. “And then, my boss asked me where my bouquet was. I told him, ‘At this point, I’d settle for someone sending me an e-mail.’”

After successfully eating my way into a stomach ache that night, I decided that I would buy myself flowers the following year. Of course, I never followed through on that in 2007 because flowers are expensive and I’d rather treat myself to a mocha. Plus, not to state the obvious or anything, but buying yourself flowers to avenge a former boss is, quite frankly, kind of pathetic.

Unfortunately, not everyone came to that conclusion as celebrity divorce attorney and author, Stacy D. Phillips, recently released a list of “many wonderful things you can do for yourself to feel loved and special during this once yearly 'hallmark' occasion."

My favorite?

“Hit the tattoo parlor: Large or small, get one that says "I love you." It's a lifetime reminder of what you mean to you.”

I like tattoos as much as the next guy, but I really don’t need a lifetime reminder of what I mean to me – whatever that even means. "Large or small," it all sounds like a pretty big mistake.

I think I’ll just revisit the buffet. And maybe get a mocha for dessert.

Poetry I can get down with.

Here’s something to think about:

(A three bedroom apartment + Three college boys + Me) x 365 = Year-long Disaster

When the boys finally moved out of the apartment on September 1, they rented a U-Haul from noon to 4, but they weren’t able to pick up the keys for their new house until 5:30. That pretty much sums up what it was like to live with them for a year.

While they were packing, one guy kept announcing when he was taking things – “I’m taking the couch! It’s mine,” and “I’m taking the dishes! They’re mine.”

I think he expected me to argue with him.

“Where are you going to sit?” he asked me. “And how are you going to watch TV? You don’t even have a TV! You won’t have the internet! What are you going to do about the internet?!”

All this was happening as he was unplugging the router in my room and rolling up the cords. So I reminded him that he wasn’t actually taking the internet with him when he moved – that he was really just taking the router.

After that there was a big to-do about whose spaghetti sauce was whose and who should take the trash bags and who bought the coffee filters. Eventually, I got completely annoyed and started throwing everything from the pantry shelf into one big trash bag (whose owner was in question) and telling him to take the tea bags and the salt shaker and go start a new life in a new apartment.

As it turns out, Emerson Hart could have saved me the trouble.

“With Valentine's right around the corner, iwishthebestforyou.com offers an original and unique way to remember those you might rather forget. Users can pick a quote directly from the song "I Wish the Best for You" or make up their own. Quotes available include… the tongue-in-cheek "I'm keeping the TV and dog ... I wish the best for you."

Let’s face it, everyone’s got three bad roommates they need to anonymously send a singing e-card to.

Just hope that in turn, you don’t get the “You’ve got some serious issues… I wish the best for you,” version.

The Futon: An Innovative Couch-Like Seating Apparatus

One weekend when my family came to visit the city, they stopped at my apartment for dessert.

I was cutting fudge in the kitchenette and my mother was setting the coffee table approximately three feet away when my brother opened the refrigerator door directly into the ledge I was cutting on. Then my father swung out of the bathroom and took a single step into the middle of it all.

Within seconds, I said to my father, “Oh for heaven’s sake, close the door and use the air freshener.”

So my father headed back in and banged around in the cabinets and rustled the shower curtain. He sprayed something very briefly before there came a tell-tale silence.

When I looked in, he was still holding the canister in the spray position.

“That’s shaving cream!” I yelled.

Luckily, he didn't shake the can enough, and hardly anything came out.

It’s a mistake anyone could make. As a product line, air freshener canisters just aren’t differentiated enough.

Presumably, that’s why Sara Lee and Henkel partnered to “Launch Innovation in the US” with “Revolutionary Air Freshener Insight.”

I know I do this a lot – but I have to ask, can someone tell me what “air freshener insight” is and what makes it “revolutionary?” More importantly, how exactly can you launch innovation in the United States?

“The innovation is based on the insight that people notice and enjoy complementary fragrances that change regularly much more than static, background smells,” reads the release.

“It's imperative to have an innovation strategy that creates a new dimension of performance and TriScents air freshener illustrates the spirit of innovation and collaboration," said Brad Casper, President and CEO-The Dial Corporation, A Henkel Company.

Quick buzz word roll call: innovation, imperative, innovation, strategy, innovation and collaboration.

Taking the lead from Sara Lee and Henkle, I've decided to launch my own innovation strategy – it’s based on personal insight to operate my residence bathroom without any collaboration from my father. In fact, it's imperative in creating a new dimension of performance.

One more reason to eat pizza with crushed red pepper.

A few weeks ago, my roommate, an editor at a fashion magazine, left a duffle bag full of beauty products in my bedroom with a note to “Enjoy!”

“Are you offended?” one of my friends asked me.

Offended?! The way I see it, six different brands of self-tanner never hurt anyone. And how could someone get offended by a little box of Lunar Dust when it presumably came all the way from Outer Space to coat me in a layer of “dramatic radiance.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” I told her. “I was offended freshman year when that girl from our dorm stopped me on the elevator and asked me if she could pluck my eyebrows. And I was offended when I was foundation shopping at M.A.C and the salesgirl took one look at my face and decided that I needed the “full coverage” formula. And I was offended last week when my neighbor asked me how tall I was when I was walking out of my apartment.”

Trust me. This little bag of eyeliner and moisturizer was nothing. And to prove it, I reverted to the mentality of a six-year old and applied every single product to my face that very night.

“Next time you visit, I’ll give you what I don’t use,” I offered my friend.

One of the things that ended up in her care package was a lip plumper. Cute as it sounded, I figured I didn’t need it because a woman at a gas station once asked me if I got lip injections. Sadly, it was not the first time I had to field that question and I assumed my lips were plenty plumpy if strangers have brought it to my attention more than once.

Now, thanks to the press release, “Don't Pout About Irritated Lips: Dermatologists Can Offer Top Tips to Help Keep Lips in Tip-Top Shape” from the American Academy of Dermatology, I don't think I should give the lip plumper to anyone.

"Lip plumpers often contain chemicals used to intentionally irritate the lips and make them appear fuller, such as capsaicin (derived from chili peppers), mint, or menthol, among others," explained dermatologist Margaret E. Parsons, MD, FAAD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the University of California at Davis.

Is this really what the world is coming to? Tip-Top Lip Tips in our news releases and capsaicin in our makeup?

If so, I am taking my Lunar Dust and hightailing it right to Outer Space – dramatically. And radiantly.