You're dragging me down.

As I was adding cream cheese to my bagel the other day at work, a co-worker praised me for “cooking.”

“That’s a really good idea,” she told me. “I buy a bagel with cream cheese every day and I could just buy the cream cheese at the grocery store – save money.”

It’s logic like this that makes my boyfriend say, “New York – center of the universe, yet so out of touch.”

He’s right - only in Manhattan is grocery shopping considered a novel idea and great way to cut food costs.

But a recent news release from Alliance to Save Energy that boasts money saving tips, like “drive the car that gets better gas mileage” and “avoid idling, which gets 0 mpg,” has me wondering. Maybe people really do need “tips” like this:

“Ditch "junk in the trunk." After your vacation, don't forget to unpack your trunk. An extra 100 pounds in the trunk cuts a typical car's fuel economy by up to 2%. You can save up to 12 gallons of gasoline per year - up to $40 - by removing an extra 100 pounds of unneeded items in the trunk of a car.”

Since we’re on the subject of added pounds, I might consider skipping the cream cheese altogether – lest someone decide that I am the unneeded 100-pound item ruining the gas mileage.

The best time you could have had

Confession time: I've been watching A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila for the past two hours.

And while it's possible that the show has caused me to turn innocent - albeit nonsensical - phrases into the next MTV battle cry, it's also possible that this news release headline from the Girl Scouts of America for their 2008 Summer Camp really is a little raunchy:

The Best Time You Haven't Had Yet

Tequila!

Study proves painted toe nails are "sexy."

While in the elevator the other day, a woman said, "That's quite a blister!" and pointed at my foot.

Of course, it wasn't actually a blister - it was a brush burn I received as a result of falling on the corner of 87th and Lexington while wearing a mini-dress and carrying a suitcase.

But the woman was right. That foot was ugly.

And it's even uglier now since I ran ten miles last weekend and failed to realize that I had put my sock on incorrectly.

"Oh my god!" my boyfriend said later that day. "You said I had ugly feet, but look at that!"

But it seems we're not the only ones to get grossed out by bad feet.

According to a new study by Microplane Foot Files, 31% of people think that "poorly maintained feet" are "a turn-off."

In fact, according to the news release headline, these people find unkempt feet to be a "'Toe'-Tal Turn-off."

You know what else is a turn-off?

Elevator (Sm)All Talk.

Why Nissan should stick to cars.

Headline of the day:

Nissan North America is Blazing Trails in Forging Non-Traditional 'Win-Win-Win' Grassroots Relations.

Separately, each word isn't so bad. But together they're a blazing mess.

And that's a lose-lose-lose - any way you forge it.

Only in America

First of all, something called the American Water Works Association exists.

And so does something called Drinking Water Week, which is a continent-wide celebration that was kicked off by the AWWA today.

"To commemorate the occasion, water utilities across North America will join with their communities throughout the week to celebrate what Only Tap Water Delivers with fairs, programs, contests, public service announcements, and other exciting events," according to the kick-off release.

I'll raise a glass to the arbitrary caps on that one. It's something Only Tap Water Can Deliver.

Shoe Smarts

At 11:30 on Saturday night, Verb for Shoe had nothing better to do than issue a news release.

But not just any news release – a news release about something called "The Smart Shoe Experience."

”The Experience includes a collection of internet attractions featuring cutting-edge smart shoe technology within broader fashion and style contexts.”

And what exactly does that mean?

Well, the shoes “automatically adjust comfort,” include a wireless link to your PC, and they even “communicate with each other, exchanging contact information among different wearers.”

And if that wasn’t enough, they also come with “a collection of interactive music videos featuring the shoes in a various cultural settings.”

S-O-L-D

How a press release can cost millions.

I have a running list of ridiculous mistakes I find in press releases. It's what happens when no one seems to understand how to use a semicolon and Ted Skup keeps referring to himself as "Ghandi."

Tonight I'm adding Lifestyle Beverages, who recently incorporated the first person in a news release:

"With New Yorkers getting fatter and unhealthier due to the fact that they are drinking sugar sweetened drinks with many calories, I believe that it's time New Yorkers lived healthier lifestyles by drinking TrimWater," reads the first paragraph of the release.

Apparently unsatisfied with their botched attempt at public relations, the company went on to invite a lawsuit:

"TrimWater is a new diet beverage that's great tasting and low in calories and sugar and healthy for you, unlike Vitamin Water, SoBe, Lifewater, Gatorade, Coke, Pepsi."

Good luck with that.

I'm sure Gatorade, Coke, Pepsi will be annoyed, irritated, ready to throw down.

The Internet will always be Public

Attn: Online Dating Services

You're all the same.

Even you Sparkbliss - online home for the "non-online dater who would rather not have their profile published on the public Internet."

Repeat Offender: Ted Skup, aka Push-Up King

The good times just keep on rolling here.

In his latest news release, “Push-ups: 'Man vs. Machine,'” Ted Skup, author of “Death, Taxes & Push-Ups,” offers a stern warning to “a new generation of terminators…secretly masquerading as experts in the fitness industry.”

“Ted Skup is announcing today that he is taking down these Fitness Terminators with his push-ups along with the most powerful weapon on earth: The Truth.”

Call me crazy, but I don’t think Gandhi - or as Skup put it in a previous release "Ghandi" - would appreciate this turn of events.

Average is 100

Well here's some good news:

New Dating Site for Intelligent People Only

"IntelligentPeople.com is an online dating and networking community which requires that its members pass an IQ test in order to join," according to a news release.

Of course, I had to take the test.

And I failed - probably miserably because I took it during a commercial break while intoxicated as my out-of-town boyfriend was ringing my doorbell.

But thankfully, IntelligentPeople.com allows for situations like this, by letting people take the test twice - per e-mail address registered.

In any case, I'm saving my second chance for a day when I haven't had a gin and tonic and America's Next Top Model isn't on.

And if I still fail, there's always a Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.

No IQ necessary.

20 Questions

I once went on a job interview that ended so poorly that I blew a kiss to the office building from the sidewalk and said, "Not getting that one."

Having spent the previous hour answering questions like, "Where did you park your car when you moved into the city?" and "Where does your current boss sit in relation to your cubicle?" - I didn't even care too much that I wouldn't get the job.

On a related note, the National Press Club issued this news release today and I think Barack Obama might be blowing a kiss to White House.

It's my time.

During a group brainstorm at a previous job, I accidentally announced that I had a MySpace profile.

We were talking about how to promote new Internet applications and I thought it would make sense to say, “I think it would help if we got influential early adopters to use the service. It’s like MySpace. I didn’t want to join, but all my friends did – so I had to or I would be left out.”

The resulting silence was broken only when someone screeched, "You're on MySpace?!"

Attempting to get us back on track, my boss said, “What we do on our own time is our own business,” which ended the conversation until an hour later, when she pulled me aside and added, “You know I don’t care about what you do on your personal time. I just care that you’re happy and you’re healthy.”

I felt like telling her that the last time I checked, using the Internet did not put you at risk for contracting an STD.

Of course that’s what I thought until I learned that a site called OnlineBootyCall existed.

Designed to “combine all the benefits of dating with the excitement of maintaining the single life,” OnlineBootyCall boasts making "millions of personal connections every week” and providing “an interactive and fun dating site where 'you don't have to promise marriage just to get a date!'"

Now, what OnlineBootyCall users do on their own time is their own business – but I happen to think that when people sign up for a service that brags about its “rapidly growing [user]population” they're also bound to encounter some rapidly growing, um, problems.

Of course, I don’t expect to see a press release about that.

There are 600 reasons to read this post

A few weeks ago Domino’s Pizza issued a news release about how their 4-4-4 pizza deal was a “Recession-Buster.”

When I read that release, I thought it couldn't be topped.

But apparently I was wrong because in a news release today Domino’s made a case for why Americans should spend their $600 refund check on “150 pizza meals.”

Just to show that they thought their proposal through, they offered several other options for what $600 could buy, including, “Nearly a half mile of fresh mint dental floss” or “685 yards (nearly seven football fields) of bubble wrap (for wrapping or stress relief).”

“If you're getting a $300 stimulus refund check, that means that you could buy 75 pizzas and make 132 meals out of it!”

Exactly.

Because when faced with the choice of either a giant roll of dental floss or 150 pizza meals, I too would opt for several hundred slices of pizza.

Then again - my check might be better spent on 300 boxes of Band-Aids because I kicked off a season of foot trauma last week when I wore a pair of flats without tights.

I also happened to skid across the last lane of traffic on Lexington Avenue because the flats didn’t have proper traction on the soles, but that’s really a story for another time - unless I decide to buy a dozen new pairs of flats.

With a pizza on the side.

What the heck else would you do with a cake?

Who doesn’t love a good, simple proverb?

“Easy come, easy go.”
“Practice what you preach.”
“Actions speak louder than words.”

You can't argue with logic like that.

Just ask Publication Services of America, who recently issued a news release with the headline, “The Best Things in Life Are ... In Better Health & Living(R), A Free, Premium Magazine Launching April 26 in the Twin Cities.”

Kind of lost its ring, no?

But since I feel like being nice, I’ll just leave with this: Some things are better left… Unsaid.

When a stranger hates your hair.

I bet some Web sites have a hard time getting people to take their content seriously.

Like NaturallyCurly.com. Not only did they devote an entire site to maintaining curly hair, but they also recently wrote an open letter to Oprah.

“Dear Oprah: It was with surprise and disappointment that members of our community at NaturallyCurly.com alerted us to your Great American Haircut Makeovers.

In case after case, beautiful waves, curls and kinks were beaten into submission with blow dryers, flatirons and extensions,” reads the release.

Blow dryers and flatirons? The horror.

How dare the Great American Haircut Makeover team actually makeover people’s hair. Just who do they think they are?

In fact, the only thing worse than getting bent out of shape about someone else's hair makeover is issuing a press release over it.

Well that's the pot calling the kettle black.

So the Pope’s here.

And maybe some people seem to be taking it a little too seriously.

“American Life League warns pro-abortion Catholic politicians not to politicize the Eucharist in a nation-wide, full page message addressed to Pope Benedict XVI. On April 17, Pope Benedict XVI will celebrate Mass in Washington, DC where pro-abortion Catholic politicians are expected to attempt to receive communion,” reads the release issued by American Life League.

Yes, let’s make sure we don’t politicize the event.

"Pro-abortion Catholics, who are not really Catholics at all, are opportunists of the worse sort. It would not surprise us at all if they seek to validate their position by exploiting the Holy Father's visit by receiving Holy Communion from the pope," said Judie Brown, president of American Life League.

Nothing like a news release to celebrate being opportunistic and exploitative.

And now for something completely different.

Recent news coverage from the campaign trail seems to typecast small-town Pennsylvanians as gun-loving religious zealots – and bitter ones at that.

I don’t know where anyone would get such an idea.

Surely not from my father, who once accidentally shot the family SUV during target practice in the woods in Nanticoke. And not from Nanticoke itself, a town that can’t host a social event unless it makes use of a Church parking lot in some way.

But NO ONE'S BITTER ABOUT THOSE THINGS, that's for sure.

I mean, I may not have known how to operate Microsoft Word until I enrolled in college in 2000, but I once was able to recite the Beatitudes backwards and I can shoot an empty Clorox jug with alarming accuracy. So it’s not like people who grew up in small-town Pennsylvania are deprived or something.

Of course, no one has to apologize for their opinion - but they might consider apologizing for their insult.

And a certain someone else might consider apologizing for this.

Invest in a new paragraph

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Going for the Gold

In their recent press release, “So ... You Went and Got a Pretty Web Site,” SigrisSystems went all Ted Skup on us.

“Winston Churchill said it best, "Failure is never fatal; success is never permanent." Change is inevitable.”

I'm not familiar with that particular quote, but I would guess Churchill wasn't referring to Web site redesign when he said it. But SigrisSystems at least followed it up with their own wisdom:

“These four important points will you become more successful in your web endeavors,” reads the release. Seriously.

“Keep in mind that, rather than a technical endeavor, the web is a truly unique advertising medium. Unique because visitors to your web site are actively seeking to buy what you offer.

That means:

A. They need to find you from among the millions of sites on the web.
B. You need to grab their attention in the first ten seconds.
C. You need to clearly show them that you provide what they are seeking.
D. You need to demonstrate why You are the most qualified to serve their needs.

In that order.”

Two things:
1. You might want to proofread.
B. Call me. I’ll rewrite it for $50.

Nightmares, Starting May 1

I have a reason to watch Spike TV:

“Spike's TV's "Unsolved Mysteries," featuring real-life cases of unsolved crimes, missing persons and unexplained paranormal phenomena begins its five year run on Spike TV in October, 2008. Each one-hour episode will feature five stories re-enacted by professional actors, plus brand new show wraps and updates on past stories,” according to the news release.

And in related news, I won’t be sleeping for five years beginning in October 2008.