Going for the Gold

In their recent press release, “So ... You Went and Got a Pretty Web Site,” SigrisSystems went all Ted Skup on us.

“Winston Churchill said it best, "Failure is never fatal; success is never permanent." Change is inevitable.”

I'm not familiar with that particular quote, but I would guess Churchill wasn't referring to Web site redesign when he said it. But SigrisSystems at least followed it up with their own wisdom:

“These four important points will you become more successful in your web endeavors,” reads the release. Seriously.

“Keep in mind that, rather than a technical endeavor, the web is a truly unique advertising medium. Unique because visitors to your web site are actively seeking to buy what you offer.

That means:

A. They need to find you from among the millions of sites on the web.
B. You need to grab their attention in the first ten seconds.
C. You need to clearly show them that you provide what they are seeking.
D. You need to demonstrate why You are the most qualified to serve their needs.

In that order.”

Two things:
1. You might want to proofread.
B. Call me. I’ll rewrite it for $50.

Nightmares, Starting May 1

I have a reason to watch Spike TV:

“Spike's TV's "Unsolved Mysteries," featuring real-life cases of unsolved crimes, missing persons and unexplained paranormal phenomena begins its five year run on Spike TV in October, 2008. Each one-hour episode will feature five stories re-enacted by professional actors, plus brand new show wraps and updates on past stories,” according to the news release.

And in related news, I won’t be sleeping for five years beginning in October 2008.

Stop, Drop and Roll

A few summers ago, I dragged my mother and my brother to an event called the “Cabbage Hill Cabbage Roll Festival” in Honey Pot, Pa.

Simply put, people paid $1 to purchase a head of cabbage and roll it down a plastic tarp that was duct-tapped to Market Street.

The Honey Pot Fire Co. came up with the idea to raise money. Apparently their $13,000 annual budget just wasn’t cutting it that year.

So we went. And it was pretty unbelievable – but I chalked it all up to the kind of event that could only happen in small town Pennsylvania.

So imagine my surprise when I found out that Quaker was copping our Honey Pot style:

“On Your Mark ... Get Grits ... Roll!,” reads the recent news release headline.

“Hundreds of people of all ages will travel to show their "true grit" by competing in the 23rd annual "Quaker Instant Grits Roll" at the World Grits Festival in St. George, S.C. Competitors prepare all year for a mere 10 seconds to roll in a baby pool filled with Quaker(R) Instant Grits. Contestants weigh in before and after their roll and the one with the most grits adhering to him or her wins,” according to the release.

Oh please. No one who issues a news release about an event with a corporate sponsor is allowed to brag about "true grit."

That distinction belongs solely to the heroes who entered in the Honey Pot “Cole Slawlom” shopping cart race.

No release required.

Hurry - buy now!

My love of infomercials is well-documented.

So is my love of dogs.

And I can’t wait until they make one about iWalkMyDog’s "Pet Walking Solution Harness."

Thanks to a recent news release, the commercial script is practically written:

“Walking Your Dog a Problem? Pulling, Jumping? iWalkMyDog.com Makes Choke Collars Obsolete,” shouts the headline.

“This patented design employs a low-center-of-gravity rope tension system that feeds through a patented, adjustable D-ring configuration.”

BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!

When walking your dog gets to be too much trouble, this revolutionary product has a built-in handle that turns your pet RIGHT INTO A SUITCASE!

Attn: Anyone who needs a book idea

Before my boyfriend visited my parents’ house for Easter, I warned him that some members of my family can harbor unorthodox views.

I used the time that my father decided that the future of warfare would involve national space programs “nudging” comets so that they were on a collision path with enemy territory as an example.

“You’re kidding,” my boyfriend said.

But I assured him I was not – comet missiles are only a matter of time, as far as my father was concerned.

And if on the off-chance that doesn’t happen, I think it would make for an excellent science fiction book. They write about all kinds of junk these days, like “an ascetic tribe of half-animal beings chances upon a device with the power to rewrite time and erase history, and sets off across a post-apocalyptic America to find a way to destroy it.”

That plot was included in a news release issued by first-time novelist Ben Goodridge – who by the way – happens to be “on a crusade,” according to the release headline.

Against what, I’m not sure. But I hope the fight involves comets.

Buzz Word Roll Call

It’s only April, but I think I found a strong contender for this year's “Excessive Buzz Word" award:

Innovation Is Key to Global Peace

Collaborative Private Sector, Proactive Government and Innovative Art Can Act As Catalyst To Bring About Competitiveness And Peace

All that and we didn’t even get to the actual release.

But I've come to expect nothing less from a group called The World Summit on Innovation & Entrepreneurship.

Oh, it's not really a video...

While in my coworker’s cubicle today and I noticed a highly suspicious can of generic lemonade sitting on his desk.

“What’s the deal with the lemonade?” I asked him

“Oh, it’s not really lemonade,” he said. “It’s a prank – for April Fool’s Day.”

“What does it do?” I asked.

“It gives you a shock when you touch the top to open it.”

He tapped the lid to demonstrate, but nothing happened.

“Maybe the batteries are dead,” he said as he examined the switch on the bottom.

And then, because the universe wants me to be entertained, he delivered a shock to the palm of his own hand, turned bright red and threw the can across the room.

But he should take comfort in the fact that April Fool’s jokes can backfire on anyone.

Like Smokey Bones Barbeque & Grill, for example.

They had to issue a press release today to apologize for the “Running of the Pigs” video posted on YouTube yesterday.

In the release, Smokey Bones Chief Marketing Officer Peter Bell said, "We've had a great response from guests who have seen the video. I want to assure everyone that no pigs were injured during the video shoot. We have the utmost respect for our porcine friends."

Except when they’re used to promote an “All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs Special.”