Derailing the first date train

I noticed that eHarmony issued some practical dating advice with their “5 Bad Habits that Tank First Dates” list.

“If you find yourself tanking first dates too often, then try to avoid these habits that can derail the first-date train before it even gets going,” reads the article.

1. Don’t monopolize the conversation.
2. Don’t “Over-Share.”
3. Don’t try to be someone you’re not.
4. Don’t propose.
5. Don’t ignore clues.

I’d tend to agree – I wouldn’t recommend proposing and who doesn’t love clues? But being far less generous than eHarmony, I would probably identify these first date train wrecks and block them from using the service so that normal people wouldn't have to deal with them.

But since I can't do that, I would like to add a few notes, which were inspired by real events that took place on some of my favorite first dates.

1. Don’t make excuses.

The only thing worse than having someone cancel a date because he locked his keys in his car is knowing that he canceled the previous date because he had sunburn.

Please note these excuses fall somewhere in between “My car window won’t roll up,” and “My mom’s dog ate a Brillo pad,” on the excuse continuum.

2. Cut your losses.

My truly intolerable dates are the ones that keep giving long after the dinner is over.

I once met a man for a single drink and when I didn’t return his phone calls afterwards, he followed up by sending me a digital photo in which he was dressed in a unitard and feather boa on Halloween, a link to the Crush Calculator and a text message that said, “Just got out of jail.”

“I don’t have to reply to this, do I?” I asked my roommate.

To which she replied, “You do – if only for my entertainment!”

So for the fair price of $1, she paid me to text back, “OMG R-U-OK WTF BBQ Y?” where the “BBQ” definitely stood for barbecue.

3. Don’t punch anyone.

I was once on a first date with someone who told me, “Some of my friends are going to drop by.” And sure enough, our table for two eventually seated four extra people who all got wrapped up talking about high school.

Not having much to contribute to the conversation, I kept quiet until my date told me, “You better start talking – or I’m going to punch you in the face with shit on my knuckles!”

4. Don’t use racial slurs.

Don’t think for a second that Shitty Knucks was my worst date.

No, that prize would go to an investment banker, who during a first date – on which he invited another couple – referred to me as a four letter word that means “hairy Italian woman.”

In case you are ever faced with these situations and other dating blunders, I advise carrying a pocket-sized notebook, excusing yourself to use the restroom and taking copious notes to maintain a record of all of your encounters – if only to flesh out the bad behavior continuum.

And “if only for my entertainment!”