I once thought it was a good idea to threaten my boyfriend with the line, "I'm done calling you. When you want to talk to me, you can call me."

Apparently, he was done calling me too because I only heard from him once after that outburst and it was because his conscience forced him to return my copy of Strunk & White's Elements of Style.

I was living alone at the time and wasn't bothered too much by the break-up until later in the week when I tried to change a light bulb in my bathroom and ended up putting my arm right through the light fixture.

"I was trying to snap it into place!" I told my father over the phone.

"Oh, those don't snap on," he told me. "They might pop off, but they usually don't snap on."

Helpful advice like that is exactly why I called. Because while the damage in my bathroom was done, afterwards I tried to boil water and I noticed that the pilot light on my stove was out.

"Oh, you just have to re-light it," my father told me - and then explained in great detail how to take apart my oven range and get the burners back in working order.

But seeing as how my arm was already covered in band-aids, I decided not to risk doing anything that involved matches and just made the ravioli in the microwave - which might not have been too bad except that ten minutes later I couldn't get the jar of sauce open no matter how much hot water I poured over the lid.

"Don't you have a grippy thing?" my mother asked me.

No, I didn't. Because I never needed one until I got all hot-headed and broke up with myself.

But whatever - I made do with what I had and as I was sitting down at my coffee table to a delightful meal of cheese ravioli and margarine, I thought I deserved a glass of wine.

And in case you haven't picked up on the pattern yet, I couldn't really follow through on that idea because I didn't know how to open the bottle.

And sadly, I still don't know.

But I'll tell you what I do know, thanks to the good folks at Korbel Champagne Cellars: "Five Steps to Pop the Cork - Not Your Eye Out."

It's like the five easy steps in the release were written specifically for me - they even anticipated how I could possibly hurt myself in the process and addressed those concerns.

Maybe they can follow this release up with something like, "How to change a light bulb - And not end up in the Emergency Room."