The best coffee in the galaxy

In case you haven’t heard, Starbucks closed all their U.S. stores for three hours tonight. The sign on the door of my neighborhood shop mentioned something about espresso being very important and that the company needed to re-train employees on the art of coffee brewing. An AP article verified the story earlier this afternoon.

Personally, I hope they’re responding to my reaction during a recent visit when I ordered “A tall soy Chai tea latte with no whipped cream, please.”

“Tall Soy Chai latte!” the barista shouted behind the counter.

“No whipped cream,” I reminded her.

“That drink doesn’t come with whipped cream,” she said and rolled her eyes.

Snotty as the service was, I was still happy to pay $4 for a cup of warm milk. And to prove it, I went back several weeks later and paid $5 for a latte made with half and half.

Wondering why I ordered that? Well, I didn’t. I just wanted a coffee and since the milk thermoses weren’t on the bar I asked the barista to add cream. She went the extra mile and made me a latte.

Maybe Starbucks’ problem isn’t that it needs to “reenergize” 135,000 employees, but just work on their communication. As competitor Dunkin’ Donuts stated in a press release earlier this week, "Long before we launched the espresso revolution in 2003 and made it possible for customers to enjoy authentic lattes without long waits, high prices and confusing sizes, the hard-working people who keep this country running recognized Dunkin' Donuts as the place to enjoy high-quality coffee and baked goods any time of day at an affordable price.”

I understand it must be hard to write good press releases and accompanying quotes when you’re right in the middle of an “espresso revolution,” so I’m glad Dunkin Donuts took the time to clue the world in on their apparent path to success: affordability and comprehensible sizing.

In fact, I saw Dunkin’ Donuts new ad campaign where their loyal customers claim they can’t grasp words like “mocha” and “latte” and brag that their menu is not written in “perhaps Fritalian.” This of course, comes from the people who invented the word “Dunkachino.”

But never mind that, Starbucks. All you have to do is just change your menu to read “small, medium, large and big gulp” and maybe phase out that caramel macchiato and replace it with something like the Milky Way Hot Chocolate.

That one definitely doesn’t need to be translated beyond English. More importantly, it comes with whipped cream.