Losing weight is as easy as Pour, Stir, Sip

I am among a very small majority of the population who thinks the footage of a middle aged woman revving a chain saw to open a Discman package with a shouting voiceover is the most entertaining three minutes on television today.

Sound ridiculous? Then you clearly haven’t been keeping up with my infomercial hero Billy Mays who has been boasting a way to “Push, Set and Hang” up to 150 lbs or providing a way for “every scratch to meet its match!” with Fix It.

Given my personal interests, it goes without saying that I’m excited that a product called Caffeine Tights has bridged the gap between infomercial and press release with the headline, “Good Morning America! Wake Up to Thinner Legs by Wearing Your Caffeine!”

“Now you can reduce cellulite and leg circumference simply by wearing pantyhose laced with caffeine… Don't just drink your caffeine, wear it!” reads the release. “These revolutionary pantyhose have caffeine micro capsules impregnated into the fiber. As you move, your body temperature causes the caffeine to slowly absorb into skin causing it to break down fatty tissue and make the skin smoother.”

With text like that the infomercial practically writes itself. It seems all they need to make a killer commercial is a graphic that shows the scientific workings of the – oh wait, never mind.

Maybe all they’re waiting for is a model willing to demonstrate how versatile and fashionable the tights are. I would be happy to perform this task and show how they could be worn “With pants! Without pants! Even in place of pants!!”

But wait - if you call me right now I’ll throw in bonus footage of me pouring coffee down my shirt for free! Hurry - this offer won’t last!